probably

i am crawling out of my skin.

adjusting? resigning?

i dont know. im just plain annoyed with myself.
i cant entertain, help, support, or do anything for myself.

i almost want to have the baby, sign some papers, walk out alone and crawl into a cardboard box to sleep off the next 20 years.

a serious though never happens when despair settles in first.

waiting, mostly

i need to get back to this.
everything seems steady. moving. soft. stable.
im waiting for this little flutter to become a person. 6 months now and i feel tired, huge, and womanly. but im still stressed.
money, time constraints, decisions, blurs on an ultrasound.
how much can one brain stand?
creeping around the house, alone most times, thinking. thats never been a good combination. for me.

make it.

im trying.

miss

ive made a few wrong decisions down the line, alot of them staring me in the face, ghosts back to remind me forever. but ive learned to ignore them mostly. maybe im not interested in lessons.
but this time around im a little shell shocked. i chose wrong, way wrong. i let the voices of others kill something and mix anger and i stormed out on the thing i want now more than ever. people dont usually get to me like this, its been years since the last time. im concerned. maybe ill get over it, but as with all human relationships pertaining to me i dont give it time to heal, i dont want to know what it would be like if i got over it i just want it back, and its burning in my head. wait wait wait i DID give it time, i gave it space, i ran away for months, moved, got involved elsewhere, and fuck - got pregnant - so i mean, that is time, that is distance, and while it is also blatant masochism without the shiny razors its evidence. i tried. true, when he came back and smiled at me i decided right there i had given up on fighting but i was sure, ready for, convinced that i had a life of single mom, no time for dating, time to focus joy ahead of me. he tells me the belly breaks his heart, that he loves me. but i hear whats underneath. he doesnt want me anymore and im sure i can be ok with that. i just miss my old life. everyday. i love my baby, and im sure when i see it nothing will matter but him/her. and all this maybe doesnt have anything to do with a person, maybe alot this is just the endless amount of lonely i have inside of me. burning. the disappointing result of my last relationship, the let down. the anger. i just need something. i swear at one time there were men on this planet. not the playthings and boys i see today. there has to be hope for the women out there.
even the broken ones like me. doing this alone is breaking my heart. as not to say i dont have friends, wonderful friends, who take care of me night and day. but its a different feeling when someone kisses you, runs his hands through your hair and down your face and says im here, go to sleep.
eeeeh enough of this.

i find comfort

in the arms of people.

i swear i get rushes, blood to the head, woozy stints of yes this is perfect when i feel needed, wanted and desired.
the lows disappear.
its like im high.
and right now its the necessary.

uncomfortable silences

generally awkward, i tend to stay away from situations that make me uncomfortable. this leads to lack of closure in fighting instances, people think i dont care, and sometimes i forget who my family is. i just dont like it when my heart beats that hard, when i cant breathe, when i get the twitches in my chest.
and these people come in and out.
reminding me im a coward.

slow

the days blur.

brainismushhandsarereaching

self pressure

i see myself differently today. lately ive been feeling frantic and burdening. today i wake from dreams full of houses, guns, my grandmother, and hamburgers and i am absolutely IN LOVE with my mind. wired. on fire. the days that i can remember the details...
those are the few times i can appreciate the way i tick.
i go through old pictures, see all the art that i made, created with my own hands on the walls of my old houses. ive since given them away, i never ask for payment, i only ask they hang, proud and strong in someone elses space. parts of me. still, i miss them like children. their texture, their feeling, the colors.
i know that there is a person worth saving in here.
its just.
i bend to people. they look at me and i get anxious and guilty. sometimes for no reason.
i wish i could live in dreams. live in paint. go away and stay in a room that only i know about. (heh thought of harry potter)

maybe today is the day, where one of my mini empowerment phases where i am strong and sure begins. i hope so. im tired of being sad. i love it so, yes, but its exhausting.

well see.

baby carrots and the familiar feeling

it feels like the same thing all the time right? like i live in circles, like i could never learn. ive tried to come to terms. all the times i maybe could have changed course and of course chose the blackout bruising hard way. the only thing that really changes is the people. they blink in and out. sometimes they wander into my path, unaware. they get drawn in, blinded, fucked maybe, drunk usually, angry most times. sometimes they stay, whether or not its for the best, their best, is usually not important. these are the ones i want the most. need maybe. they are complex unnatural friends, who i hurt repeatedly, love deeply, and get the most invested in. it grays sometimes, this category and the lovers category. some of these are the same thing though. its all very complicated and intricate. everyone has a place. i think. sometimes im so sure that its all been planned. like somehow im two people and one side is the planner and only that, she gets up while the majority of me is sleeping and adjusts things slightly in my life, putting people into crannies in my head, setting up the situation for pass or fail or fights or sex or dinner or.. you get it.
i really have no idea.
losing people is something ive come to know. whether its death or the huge blowout at the end of the passionate whirlwind of a friendship/relationship. but i dont like losing the foundations. im not giving them an official name or anything but thats just what they are, foundations. i only really have maybe 4 people who fit this. 2 of which are extremely important. necessary, even. after losing my brother i latched onto them fiercely. but its never been easy. apparently im a pretty big basket case. the bipolar tears through me and i go red in all aspects. i get it alot. i try to explain it, to doctors, to family, to my friends. its hard for them to understand what it is like to have to endure these bouts with rage, lust, indifference, and masochism. i change and i cant fight it. most times its rushing and overwhelming. i want this or that now, and i dont care about feelings, repercussions, or safety. i get hysterical and aggressive, sometimes quiet and withdrawn, seething with passive aggressive tendencies. i mean what kind of a person sits and thinks about how she can sneak injuries onto parts of her skin that she hasnt gotten to yet. i change moods so often i swear im in fog most of the day. i see myself being an asshole but i cant break out.
but still. im completely human. i need things. i feel neglected when i am. and on top of all this ive been going through for over a decade, now im fucking pregnant. im tired of hearing about my fucking hormones, tired of everyone waving me off as BITCHY. i am SCARED. i may have bipolar, but lately the baby has been calming it. now for the other gleam in my eyes, the one that gives bite to my words, thats the wonderful glint of quiet desperation that only a woman having a baby when she has nothing but a man that wont step up to his responsibilities could have. im struggling to see the good parts. the up side as they call it. my friends are good to me. the close ones. buying me food, letting me stay in their homes. but i sit and watch them work for their money, go out and get drunk and come back laughing, not have to worry about taking care of something that is loved but wasnt planned. it hurts. im jealous. and its tearing apart my relationships. i finally got to go out for 45 minutes this last friday. but it was rushed, they drank and smoked on a bar patio most of the time while i sat feet away. then apparently the friends i met up with deserved to be bashed. it was shit. so we went home and they left to a bar. im sorry but i was not happy. the weekend fell apart in my hands but again i was bitchy, cranky, impossible. it is always my fault. im so frustrated. even now after ive sent out apologies that im not sure were deserved no one is asking what is wrong.
what do i do?
i want to go back.
i want my old life back.
im terrified and sad all the time again, the dark wants me because it knows im vulnerable. it tells me werent you happy with me stephanie? the cutting felt so good, crying helps, dark rooms. they dont understand you. you burden these people. they WILL get tired of your shit. they may be too polite to tell you. but you have nothing to give them and they give you everything. useless girl. carrying something you wont ever be able to take care of. are you happy? of course not. come here.

im not sure ill say no.

ive always been so comfortable being unhappy.

fuck.

dreams, silence, home alone mostly, nothing

living for bright beams of friends i havent seen in a while, i run into their arms as i smile too wide, compliment recklessly, and linger at goodbyes.
its like i had a life ages ago.
im sure i did.
there had to be times out in the "country" where we had a home and people filled it often. drinks, smoke in the air, games, sex, long long talks, and support.
it feels like forever ago. i feel so different now......... [empty stare]

[daze]

i shake this out of my head and look over at the hot cheetohs and lemon to my left.

tonight, i'll take heartburn over deep thought.

yeah.

blood like oil

what is this, slow motion? everything feels dripping slow now.
its the point when i need the answers, your answers, his answers, facts, comforts, knowledge, give it to me why are you being so difficult when are the tests due back oh i could just fucking PUNCH something. its enraging.
finally im ready for it to be given straight as they say and now im dancing out of tune with nothing solid. holding myself up. fingers slipping through fog. there are few things real right now. i have two people beside me, one little person inside of me and 3 pets who mostly sleep and eat all day. i have no assets, nothing of my own to speak of spare random thrift store baubles, shoeboxes full of makeup, bobby pins, and plastic dinosaurs, and hair.
im far from derelict but im tripping ever closer. if it wasnt for the two angels i have protecting me on the weekends i might have already jumped texas and disappeared into unsolved mysteries status. i probably wouldnt care.
its so hard to think of others. that dark part of my brain twitches and im convinced im better off.
i could SWEAR i dont care.
[burning out inside]
its the point, you see.
i need to know, i need answers. remember. but at this point its mostly realization. that i may have to raise a child alone. that i have no job. that i can paint, but really i cant afford to anymore. that this was supposed to make me feel taken care of. but now i only fear for myself and my tiny parasite.
people like me never win the lottery, we get struck by lightning.
how long can i live in their homes before my angels throw up their hands and say snap the fuck out of it.
i feel a little useless today, that may be all.
its happened before.
ill surface soon.


right.

poster child. (it's not desired)

i am trying to be excited again.

there just never seems to be enough time. we live for a short spark, then it is curtains for the single human. must be why we are always fussing, kissing, dancing, studying, fighting, making sharp stabbing attempts at loving.

maybe its because ive done too much in my 25 years. i mustve seen the end, a flag waving in the distance marking pencils down, when i was young. so i fell into hurricane. even my parents helped. foreign countries, living in a jungle, exorcisms, strange ice cream, then here. america. school, books, adventures over canyons, nintendo, boys, girls, running away, cutting, death, despair, joy, bloody knuckles. all of it jut swirling together to where i can barely pick it apart now.

its all stopped. its all behind me. ive done so much for myself. taken so much from others. demanded it. sure the boys in that department have left me wanting, empty. but its only a slightly annoying afterthought. boys. pssh. everything else has been a hell of a ride.

now. i have something else to live for. even though its precarious and i could lose it at any time. i hold onto the bond already formed.

i just want it to make it. want the little heart to keep beating so i can put all the experience and hurt and happy to good use.

i would make a wonderful mother i think.

i guess we'll have to wait and see.

admission

this year has become a listing. a series of events. several colors. unexpected. the usual up and down broken by an attempt to change, creativity faltering around tiny pink cased heavy metals, and im used up, quiet, awake.

i write it all out and delete it.

a list

-i checked myself into a clinic this year. the bipolar cannot win. they put me on lithium. im not taking it anymore. i know, i know.
-my engagement falling apart led me to jaymes. im on board. i hope he can manage to keep up. i kick. and i am damaged in ways that cannot be undone or understood.
-this year made me believe that shit can happen for a reason. maybe the chaotic twirling i had imagined was just me trying to make excuses for a life im not in control of.
-politics have been making me sick.
-i quit smoking. im serious.
-i have a really good reason for the last line.
-i am still exhausted. i cant keep my eyes open, i want bed all the time.
-i stopped then started painting again.
-i miss blogging.

-cupcakes?




bear with me.


rebooting in process.



growth expected.



hearty handshake.

this maybe is real

what a terrifying few months.

im ok. no worries. well some worries. high fives? no no no, not yet.

ugh i cant tell you yet. stop asking.

ill be back soon.

out of sight

im a little lost, always jealous, fighting crime in my brains, nothing without a touch, friendly when i hate you, vicious when i love you, writing a book, hugging myself, single, fighting, crying, failing like my kidneys, going to work almost all the time, light headed.

ive tried several times.

just cant come back to this yet. state of down commences. these periods where i disappear. take everything and leave merely scent. and come back and expect you to have died a little without me. sigh.

particles in the air, and still i can breathe around them.

alone in other peoples houses

i never quite feel right. here, in their things, in their rooms. trying to pretend they are mine. i dont eat, dont touch anything. hide in my blankets, in a room we made haphazardly. the tiny space full of our smell, and my dog sitting in the middle saying with a cocked head, "and just where are we?". we had to flee our home because of worthless people. i hate this feeling, its like weve given up. its like they won. and it makes me a bunch of different feelings at the same time. too much. this week was almost too much. there were happy points sure, there were times when it was all ok. but then at night the tv clicks off by itself and im in the dark eyes wide and questioning the whole fucked up puppet show of this vacation. he tells me to just forget about it, move on, look at my ring, know that he loves me, and i do. i do. but people in the world other than those in our warm inner circle scare me more than monsters, more than cockroaches, more than death. they bite and yell, they snatch things and break windows, they are always looking cockeyed at the others shaping and sizing them up, comparing the faults, feeling superior. i hate them. they smell like sulfur and expensive perfume, oils, tar, and slick greasy charm. i have panic attacks. i have to struggle to breath. lately ive been indoors almost constantly. i live to see small bursts of night and friends that dont have aggression in their voices. but im a little misguided in thinking that this will stay. i cant just ignore all the things that i feel. the fear is bad now, ive fed it and let it grow. the cutting i thought it was over i hoped it was but even when im strong im weak. my love for this person he sleeps next to me, he holds me when im screaming or crying or punching, i want it to stay. but the little backwards doubt i have is enough to make me hate my brain. all these things are constant, over the years ive been fooled into thinking this meant they were comfort. breaking from this has been a battle. too many pills and cold toned doctors have told me i am too sick to be normal. but ive been doing well. ive been working hard. im sure i can make it through this dark part, i have before. yea? he holds my hand. my dog kicks in his sleep. the peoples court comes on. i have paints. i have parents. i have a roof. i have everything i need.
right here. just breathe, woman. its ok. its ok. its ok.

yes

the last few days:

-i went out with friends and had some strange talks.
-my car got stolen.
-i've gotten into a screaming drag out fist throwing fight.
-i've been given an engagement ring.
-i accepted said ring.
-the police found my car.
-im moving.
-im warm.
-i'll catch up later.

heathens to heroes (almost yelling)

its the American way. my face burns hot with embarrassment and disbelief. how people can think they are being brave and heroic when all they are is ignorant, stupid, shameless. you fail and you need someone to blame. you fail, sorry tough luck, you know what? stop complaining and get of your fucking ass and get moving again. dont point fingers and cry foul! DONT CRASH PLANES INTO FUCKING BUILDINGS. and you, you filthy idiots squealing and writhing, fans of all this, throwing up fan pages around the pain and burning. you are the worst of all. at least the man in the plane is dead, but we still have to live in the same country and i dont know how i feel about that. seriously, how could you make this a GOOD thing? how could you make this sick man a HERO? like i said, anarchy is high school, wearing black, the world is against you, youre too young to take care of yourself, its ok to be so off base. but we are grown now. we are part of this, cogs in a country that we need, we are supposed to be smart, quick, educated, free. we should be rational and fair. we should know better than this. and yes i understand there is a percentage of retardation but just cause your mom smoked a little rock while you were in the womb doesnt excuse your dim witted half assed yells in support of something that is setting us back so far in our attempt to be taken seriously.

i am so baffled.

almost laughing.

this is ridiculous.

gotta get out of here.

shut up

honestly i get it, everyone can talk, can have an opinion, we have rights here and it is a blessing blah blah blah.
but for fucks sake why do we let the people we know are reaching for fame, straining for a camera, just trying to keep a wary and sometimes too dramatic existence going. get up there and get their word in?

ok ill start with peta. and you know what i dont respect peta. some of you are going to say hey they save animals they fight for their rights and so on, and you know what ill laugh in your face. a few years ago when i was young they were nothing more than COOL. they had t shirts and flyers and sad videos on the internet. and i went veg i paid dues, i picketed in front of labs, the whole nine yards. THEN they started drowning puppies in sewage, they started recording videos that were peta members killing animals on farms, to gain sympathy, they started "losing money". i was heartbroken but realized yes this is America everything is a business. and i moved on. so when these two women disrupt the Westminster dog show i smile a little and wonder what the hell these people are thinking. signs that say "Mutts rule" and "Purebreds kill shelter Dogs" flash for a second then the women are escorted out. i stop and think wait, all through this incredible dog show ive see tons of commercials singing praises of shelter dogs, heart wrenching tear jerking little dogs looking out from bars while the announcer says "i am strong i am wise you dont need to feel sorry for me you need to adopt me." my own dog is rescued, hes the light of my life, i love to watch these shows to see the exotic and the working, the purest of dogs, they are really amazing to see, and its a show of all the hard work and dedication the people who show t hem have. they love these dogs, they care for them immensely and all because they can. they should be able to show them. its like cars and horses. and the show took every opportunity to call back on the dogs that are lost and in need of homes, they were sponsored by several companies that send proceeds to shelters. so come on peta. fucking chill out. and try to fix your company so you dont need the publicity stunts and you can actually do some good instead of being just another blip in the news the next day.

and you sarah palin. all i really want to say to you is shut up. you are the title track of this blog. who do you think you are that you think you have all this pull? if you dont like family guy DON'T WATCH IT. you must already know they dont give a shit at fox and yea theyre gonna take shots at you all they can, after all its hilarious. and youre an easy target. but your just making it worse. all you do is BITCH, my god! why cant you read more? no, cause then there would be a book burning probably. shit. im out of ideas. its just, we GET that you have a disabled son. and we are sorry. even those of us who hate your politics. i had a disabled brother who got shot by cops. he was charged with attempted capital murder when he shot a bebe gun at cops in a rage due to huntingtons. he went to jail. why dont you do some good and stop focusing on comedy media and start with that? help us that have had family with disability and and have had horrible prejudice forced upon us, for we are helpless in ourselves. we're just people. by some grace you have gained power god knows how, but you could do some good sarah, and if you are really passionate about the cause you could really help us. dont waste your time on THIS. seriously.


im in a way today. i just want everyone to be content for once. i know there is bad shit. i know there are things you dont agree with i am the same way. i feel it all the time. but why waste all this breath and energy to complain when you could be doing something about it or focusing on real issues. you cant depend on the masses to help you. if its your belief your passion to make change youll find a way. it just doesnt have to be a tantrum or a petulant whining.

work, being on an island (in a sense), and austrians

mmmm ice cream for breakfast.


all day yesterday i thought about people in psych wards. i couldnt help it and i actually think of them everyday as i speak to them everyday. i mean, i understand the need for communication to be available to all peoples but kick me in the face if i dont agree with putting pay phones in those places. their voices hurt me. and they call all day over and over again most times to the same numbers and almost always hitting a dead end. answering machine, someone picking up the phone and immediately hanging up, disconnect messages. i have their names, our repeat offenders, in my head. i remember what i saw when i was in one of those places, state hospitals, mental and behavioral health wings, and i shiver a little and my heart breaks a little for these people that dont seem to understand that no one wants to talk to them and no no im sorry i cant try another number for you. isnt it only hurting them to give them a chance to be rejected so many times in one day? they should just regulate a phone call during a checkup or individual therapy. but i think thats a privilege set aside for more lucid and stable people. when i was at san antonio state the nurse let me use her cell phone and sneak a cigarette telling me, youre not retarded like the rest, you just cut yourself, your basically normal, right? nice to know these people watch the lost. but i kept my mouth closed and called my dad to come get me as soon as fucking possible. its terribly screwed up, the joke of the mind and body that is mental disorder and handicap. these people are prisoners in their own skin, they become more like pets you see on the ghetto side of town - on a short leash with food and water bowls tossed in, not deadly enough to be put down but not safe enough to be let loose in the yard. i gotta stop thinking about this.

i committed a somewhat crime the other day. we were driving through the side of town you roll up your windows in and i saw this little dachshund walking around by itself. it was too thin and it didnt have a collar. so using some bill millers and the interesting driving of joses sister i stole the dog. im pretty sure it didnt belong to anyone but if it did shame on those people for letting the little guy nearly starve to death. :/ marty loved him but he was a handful so mom and dad took him to use as a little indoor alarm system, haha. and we named him maximum damage panchito. i would do it again too. i hate it when people dont take the responsibility of taking care of a pet seriously. they need us.


my uncle was in town this weekend. he is couch surfing with a group of austrians and they are breezing through texas. so sat night we all went out and hit downtown. it was fun, freezing, and blurry at the end. the whole group of us walking the city was a nice getaway from the hermit style ive adapted. getting OUT and talking with new faces, laughing and yes getting absolutely shit faced was amazing. thomas took a shining to one of the austrian girls and struck out, bg and jose played a game of pool with a random shark and won, dawnelle said something in german that made the whole austrian group yell and throw up their hands (im a little bitch, i think, hah) and then we came back to our house and talked government, queer culture, travel, how cute the euro is, and what time the bars close over there. plus catching up with mike (uncle) was nice too. i feel like im not close enough to my family. ive been doing the pulling thing too long now. anyway i think we decided that me and dawnelle are gonna couch surf europe and totally stop over in austria to visit our new friends. i think one of them likes her, hah. but yea im thinking this is a long term goal. haha. its a daunting and scary task you really have to prepare for to go to another country with just your best girl. anyway sat was interesting. the only bad part was waking up the next day feeling like a piece of beef jerky that had been eaten and pooped out again by a rabid mountain lion. yay.

i have been dreaming. ALOT. thing is i remember them for ten minutes, then try to walk through to write them down and they leave. its been MADDENING. i dont know why this is happening. it makes me feel normal and useless. harumph.



woof, what a weekend. im exhausted.