the things i miss

are many. a lot of it is people, sure. some are dreams. some places. hidden and warm. i yearn so much more for the past than the present. mostly because i can remember good feelings, passion, excitement. the future only seems to bring pain, anger. i don't want to continue, i would much rather run back, and hide in the soft crevasses of the familiar. been there done that is not a bad thing to me. i wish life was choice instead of constant forward movement.
but then i wish a lot of things. and somehow the opposite happens.

sooo it's the new year. and i can't really tell you how i'm feeling. i've been reading the old blogs and i miss that person. that girl who seemed so effortless and careless, winning and running and singing and dancing, oh so much dancing. i miss the person i used to be. and i would like to go there again. all the recent painting has really inspired me to be thing i want. i feel like lately i've been shelled up, cold, introverted.

time to make a change i think. maybe i'll grow my hair. maybe i won't stop smoking. i am pretty tired of expecting things, and willing things and trying to be good, when nothing i do is met with reward. i've always been happier with a taste of destruction.

we'll see how it goes i guess.

cheers. read up next year.

brain vacay

i feel... pretty numb. which is lovely.

there really is nothing i want more, if i could stay like this forever i would embrace it. its this, or the rage, the sadness, the desperation. all that fun stuff. all those old friends.
[hello guys, yes i remember ya'll. sure invade my head and body. its all good. im sure you remember where everything is.]
whatever, being dramatic is a neat little distraction.

alone in other people's houses [caff version 2.0]

the world resumed. im catching up.

sneaking around this room and house, i think about time. time has been creeping. usually by now its oh snap hello 2012 and im thinking oh shit i dont have time to prepare for the apocalypse. usually its been years and ive been in a coma lost in drink fallen in and out of relationships and somehow in another home. changes. they slip by me. really i dont care enough to pay attention. usually i can be ok with this. ive had a lot of time to think about things. and boy oh boy there has been a lot to think about. in between cigarette cravings and coffee breaks i embrace the trigger. fall back to the day, when i sat clutching my chest, grabbing blindly for his hand, and walking upstairs to grow old in 45 minutes. there is always a trigger.
here i pause and wipe dust from this computer screen. turn to the tv, think about the other universe/dimension where this is not what im doing. where this person is me but not me. maybe i have long hair, maybe i dont have freckles, maybe i dont have this dull nagging pain in my lower stomach. maybe im talking to her right now. its hard to convince yourself that insanity is bad, when you can grab the world and shake it there, change it, find what you need and without hesitating you can give in. crazy people, really crazy people blink in and out of reality. maybe im jealous. maybe im done with all this stability. for all 7 months i had it, it was all for nothing. maybe. i dont know. this may just be one of my not so good days. the other night the boy i love leaned me against a car and begged me to come back, wake up, realize that all is not lost and for the life of me i couldnt even nod. i looked up into his face and wanted to be asleep. still with him, but not really.
there is so much to live for. so much to stay for. i just have to hold onto those things. its been exactly 20 days. maybe its just too early.
you dont want to be a crazy person steph. with your luck youll end up one of those trapped in their head in a little room with windows and no doors. womp.
i laugh, i touch, i talk, i sleep, and i have goals.
that cant be as bad as it feels, i cant be guilty for living for the rest of my life. she would probably be frustrated, watching me run in circles and talking myself out of things. i just wish i could hear her voice... just once.
aaaahhh impossible things we need so deeply. impossible.
up and down, this blog is brain vomit.
i need to finish cleaning.
need to move.
pfffffff........ thanks monday.

need

i have much of it.

when does everything stop hurting, for real.

i need so much for a few quiet moments. but there is so much static and crackling im sure its too late. must have missed the window.

and the world started to break apart

everything hurts. i need to do this. writing has always created something special in me, maybe taken away from the physical social thing, but something.
but right now im not sure, im not sure what will help.
im shaking loose, my mind is literally falling out of my eyes and nose, my heart... my poor fucking heart is beating a thousand times per second, too hard too fast. i went into the hospital last thurs day via an ambulance, excited and a little scared. water broken, pain coming, baby coming. i was praying on the hightway, EMTs talking to the back of my head. i thought everything was going to be ok. now. im at my sisters house. and i dont have a baby. i have a crooked painful cut on my stomach staples marching downward, i have a sore back, i have a hysterectomy, i have a cracked mind. i have a bag full of tiny blankets, knitted tiny beanies, tiny shoes, tiny everything. and still i have nothing. my arms have nothing.
my baby was tiny. she was barely there. she was mostly tubes, laying in a plastic box. and everything was wrong.
the doctors said she was sick. alot of words, but once he said the word 'fatal' i shut down. i reached for her fathers hands and let go of whatever sanity and hope i had left.
these things happen in the world everyday. but i dont care or give a crap about that. the things i would say to someone if the situation was reversed are meaningless. they bounce off me. the hole in my chest doesnt want to be filled. im so angry. my family calls and i dont answer. i dont want them to be sad for me or offer comfort. its almost like the nails waiting for me to decide im ready to start in with the hammer. it would be a tiny coffin. i dont think im ever going to be ready. i had a daughter, me, i was so ready for this little girl. my whole being was being poured into her growth, her happiness.. her life. and i had her for 5 days.
i honestly dont know what to do.
i try to go out, and i wake up heavy with guilt.
when i laugh something twitches as if to say, thats not fair.
i kiss my man and i think about what it would have been like to giggle with her about boys.
i repeat, everything hurts.
grief is a funny thing. sadness, anger, and other steps that seem much less prominent or important right now. i want my friends to be there, but i feel like a burden, a crying mess, a wreck.
nothing is working right. losing a child was not in my plans, my life has been this feeling over and over and ill be honest im fucking tired. i cant lose anyone else! where is the lesson? what was i supposed to learn? that i am strong enough to take my tiny baby off life support, let her father hold her while she died, wait in a little well decorated room for the nurse to bring her in after, so i could actually hold her? i wanted to feel her warmth, smell her skin, talk to her so she would look at me. not hold a small dead child wrapped in beautiful blankets and stumble through a cracked and difficult goodbye. this wasnt fair this wasnt fair this wasnt fair. oh, and they took my uterus too so i cant ever carry a child again mid C section? awesome, whats the lesson there? that i should buy some slamming jeans? my baby and my chances to do it again are basically gone. my sister tells me she'll carry my future children, but i miss my stomach, looking down and touching it, looking funny but womanly in my clothes.
fuck. this is something else man. i tell you im just not sure what happened.
pouring out feels better. i need it, since i cant really talk to people right now. the small group im hiding in, well they protect me, watch me, love me. but i want to sneak away and punch something, draw blood, scream.
psh. for now all i can do is write this and chug coffee. her blanket is here, i touch it often. it smells like the hospital, i wish it would hold the smell forever.

i miss you, baby. Alastair. piece of me.

back to the chaos. a little lighter though, thankfully.

the efforts

I'm laying in bed with my cell phone pouring data and my brain is flying. Everything is too fast right now. Why can't I just take a pause and settle in some sweet quiet black for a while? I want it. Please?

probably

i am crawling out of my skin.

adjusting? resigning?

i dont know. im just plain annoyed with myself.
i cant entertain, help, support, or do anything for myself.

i almost want to have the baby, sign some papers, walk out alone and crawl into a cardboard box to sleep off the next 20 years.

a serious though never happens when despair settles in first.

waiting, mostly

i need to get back to this.
everything seems steady. moving. soft. stable.
im waiting for this little flutter to become a person. 6 months now and i feel tired, huge, and womanly. but im still stressed.
money, time constraints, decisions, blurs on an ultrasound.
how much can one brain stand?
creeping around the house, alone most times, thinking. thats never been a good combination. for me.

make it.

im trying.

miss

ive made a few wrong decisions down the line, alot of them staring me in the face, ghosts back to remind me forever. but ive learned to ignore them mostly. maybe im not interested in lessons.
but this time around im a little shell shocked. i chose wrong, way wrong. i let the voices of others kill something and mix anger and i stormed out on the thing i want now more than ever. people dont usually get to me like this, its been years since the last time. im concerned. maybe ill get over it, but as with all human relationships pertaining to me i dont give it time to heal, i dont want to know what it would be like if i got over it i just want it back, and its burning in my head. wait wait wait i DID give it time, i gave it space, i ran away for months, moved, got involved elsewhere, and fuck - got pregnant - so i mean, that is time, that is distance, and while it is also blatant masochism without the shiny razors its evidence. i tried. true, when he came back and smiled at me i decided right there i had given up on fighting but i was sure, ready for, convinced that i had a life of single mom, no time for dating, time to focus joy ahead of me. he tells me the belly breaks his heart, that he loves me. but i hear whats underneath. he doesnt want me anymore and im sure i can be ok with that. i just miss my old life. everyday. i love my baby, and im sure when i see it nothing will matter but him/her. and all this maybe doesnt have anything to do with a person, maybe alot this is just the endless amount of lonely i have inside of me. burning. the disappointing result of my last relationship, the let down. the anger. i just need something. i swear at one time there were men on this planet. not the playthings and boys i see today. there has to be hope for the women out there.
even the broken ones like me. doing this alone is breaking my heart. as not to say i dont have friends, wonderful friends, who take care of me night and day. but its a different feeling when someone kisses you, runs his hands through your hair and down your face and says im here, go to sleep.
eeeeh enough of this.

i find comfort

in the arms of people.

i swear i get rushes, blood to the head, woozy stints of yes this is perfect when i feel needed, wanted and desired.
the lows disappear.
its like im high.
and right now its the necessary.

uncomfortable silences

generally awkward, i tend to stay away from situations that make me uncomfortable. this leads to lack of closure in fighting instances, people think i dont care, and sometimes i forget who my family is. i just dont like it when my heart beats that hard, when i cant breathe, when i get the twitches in my chest.
and these people come in and out.
reminding me im a coward.

slow

the days blur.

brainismushhandsarereaching

self pressure

i see myself differently today. lately ive been feeling frantic and burdening. today i wake from dreams full of houses, guns, my grandmother, and hamburgers and i am absolutely IN LOVE with my mind. wired. on fire. the days that i can remember the details...
those are the few times i can appreciate the way i tick.
i go through old pictures, see all the art that i made, created with my own hands on the walls of my old houses. ive since given them away, i never ask for payment, i only ask they hang, proud and strong in someone elses space. parts of me. still, i miss them like children. their texture, their feeling, the colors.
i know that there is a person worth saving in here.
its just.
i bend to people. they look at me and i get anxious and guilty. sometimes for no reason.
i wish i could live in dreams. live in paint. go away and stay in a room that only i know about. (heh thought of harry potter)

maybe today is the day, where one of my mini empowerment phases where i am strong and sure begins. i hope so. im tired of being sad. i love it so, yes, but its exhausting.

well see.

baby carrots and the familiar feeling

it feels like the same thing all the time right? like i live in circles, like i could never learn. ive tried to come to terms. all the times i maybe could have changed course and of course chose the blackout bruising hard way. the only thing that really changes is the people. they blink in and out. sometimes they wander into my path, unaware. they get drawn in, blinded, fucked maybe, drunk usually, angry most times. sometimes they stay, whether or not its for the best, their best, is usually not important. these are the ones i want the most. need maybe. they are complex unnatural friends, who i hurt repeatedly, love deeply, and get the most invested in. it grays sometimes, this category and the lovers category. some of these are the same thing though. its all very complicated and intricate. everyone has a place. i think. sometimes im so sure that its all been planned. like somehow im two people and one side is the planner and only that, she gets up while the majority of me is sleeping and adjusts things slightly in my life, putting people into crannies in my head, setting up the situation for pass or fail or fights or sex or dinner or.. you get it.
i really have no idea.
losing people is something ive come to know. whether its death or the huge blowout at the end of the passionate whirlwind of a friendship/relationship. but i dont like losing the foundations. im not giving them an official name or anything but thats just what they are, foundations. i only really have maybe 4 people who fit this. 2 of which are extremely important. necessary, even. after losing my brother i latched onto them fiercely. but its never been easy. apparently im a pretty big basket case. the bipolar tears through me and i go red in all aspects. i get it alot. i try to explain it, to doctors, to family, to my friends. its hard for them to understand what it is like to have to endure these bouts with rage, lust, indifference, and masochism. i change and i cant fight it. most times its rushing and overwhelming. i want this or that now, and i dont care about feelings, repercussions, or safety. i get hysterical and aggressive, sometimes quiet and withdrawn, seething with passive aggressive tendencies. i mean what kind of a person sits and thinks about how she can sneak injuries onto parts of her skin that she hasnt gotten to yet. i change moods so often i swear im in fog most of the day. i see myself being an asshole but i cant break out.
but still. im completely human. i need things. i feel neglected when i am. and on top of all this ive been going through for over a decade, now im fucking pregnant. im tired of hearing about my fucking hormones, tired of everyone waving me off as BITCHY. i am SCARED. i may have bipolar, but lately the baby has been calming it. now for the other gleam in my eyes, the one that gives bite to my words, thats the wonderful glint of quiet desperation that only a woman having a baby when she has nothing but a man that wont step up to his responsibilities could have. im struggling to see the good parts. the up side as they call it. my friends are good to me. the close ones. buying me food, letting me stay in their homes. but i sit and watch them work for their money, go out and get drunk and come back laughing, not have to worry about taking care of something that is loved but wasnt planned. it hurts. im jealous. and its tearing apart my relationships. i finally got to go out for 45 minutes this last friday. but it was rushed, they drank and smoked on a bar patio most of the time while i sat feet away. then apparently the friends i met up with deserved to be bashed. it was shit. so we went home and they left to a bar. im sorry but i was not happy. the weekend fell apart in my hands but again i was bitchy, cranky, impossible. it is always my fault. im so frustrated. even now after ive sent out apologies that im not sure were deserved no one is asking what is wrong.
what do i do?
i want to go back.
i want my old life back.
im terrified and sad all the time again, the dark wants me because it knows im vulnerable. it tells me werent you happy with me stephanie? the cutting felt so good, crying helps, dark rooms. they dont understand you. you burden these people. they WILL get tired of your shit. they may be too polite to tell you. but you have nothing to give them and they give you everything. useless girl. carrying something you wont ever be able to take care of. are you happy? of course not. come here.

im not sure ill say no.

ive always been so comfortable being unhappy.

fuck.

dreams, silence, home alone mostly, nothing

living for bright beams of friends i havent seen in a while, i run into their arms as i smile too wide, compliment recklessly, and linger at goodbyes.
its like i had a life ages ago.
im sure i did.
there had to be times out in the "country" where we had a home and people filled it often. drinks, smoke in the air, games, sex, long long talks, and support.
it feels like forever ago. i feel so different now......... [empty stare]

[daze]

i shake this out of my head and look over at the hot cheetohs and lemon to my left.

tonight, i'll take heartburn over deep thought.

yeah.

blood like oil

what is this, slow motion? everything feels dripping slow now.
its the point when i need the answers, your answers, his answers, facts, comforts, knowledge, give it to me why are you being so difficult when are the tests due back oh i could just fucking PUNCH something. its enraging.
finally im ready for it to be given straight as they say and now im dancing out of tune with nothing solid. holding myself up. fingers slipping through fog. there are few things real right now. i have two people beside me, one little person inside of me and 3 pets who mostly sleep and eat all day. i have no assets, nothing of my own to speak of spare random thrift store baubles, shoeboxes full of makeup, bobby pins, and plastic dinosaurs, and hair.
im far from derelict but im tripping ever closer. if it wasnt for the two angels i have protecting me on the weekends i might have already jumped texas and disappeared into unsolved mysteries status. i probably wouldnt care.
its so hard to think of others. that dark part of my brain twitches and im convinced im better off.
i could SWEAR i dont care.
[burning out inside]
its the point, you see.
i need to know, i need answers. remember. but at this point its mostly realization. that i may have to raise a child alone. that i have no job. that i can paint, but really i cant afford to anymore. that this was supposed to make me feel taken care of. but now i only fear for myself and my tiny parasite.
people like me never win the lottery, we get struck by lightning.
how long can i live in their homes before my angels throw up their hands and say snap the fuck out of it.
i feel a little useless today, that may be all.
its happened before.
ill surface soon.


right.

poster child. (it's not desired)

i am trying to be excited again.

there just never seems to be enough time. we live for a short spark, then it is curtains for the single human. must be why we are always fussing, kissing, dancing, studying, fighting, making sharp stabbing attempts at loving.

maybe its because ive done too much in my 25 years. i mustve seen the end, a flag waving in the distance marking pencils down, when i was young. so i fell into hurricane. even my parents helped. foreign countries, living in a jungle, exorcisms, strange ice cream, then here. america. school, books, adventures over canyons, nintendo, boys, girls, running away, cutting, death, despair, joy, bloody knuckles. all of it jut swirling together to where i can barely pick it apart now.

its all stopped. its all behind me. ive done so much for myself. taken so much from others. demanded it. sure the boys in that department have left me wanting, empty. but its only a slightly annoying afterthought. boys. pssh. everything else has been a hell of a ride.

now. i have something else to live for. even though its precarious and i could lose it at any time. i hold onto the bond already formed.

i just want it to make it. want the little heart to keep beating so i can put all the experience and hurt and happy to good use.

i would make a wonderful mother i think.

i guess we'll have to wait and see.

admission

this year has become a listing. a series of events. several colors. unexpected. the usual up and down broken by an attempt to change, creativity faltering around tiny pink cased heavy metals, and im used up, quiet, awake.

i write it all out and delete it.

a list

-i checked myself into a clinic this year. the bipolar cannot win. they put me on lithium. im not taking it anymore. i know, i know.
-my engagement falling apart led me to jaymes. im on board. i hope he can manage to keep up. i kick. and i am damaged in ways that cannot be undone or understood.
-this year made me believe that shit can happen for a reason. maybe the chaotic twirling i had imagined was just me trying to make excuses for a life im not in control of.
-politics have been making me sick.
-i quit smoking. im serious.
-i have a really good reason for the last line.
-i am still exhausted. i cant keep my eyes open, i want bed all the time.
-i stopped then started painting again.
-i miss blogging.

-cupcakes?




bear with me.


rebooting in process.



growth expected.



hearty handshake.

this maybe is real

what a terrifying few months.

im ok. no worries. well some worries. high fives? no no no, not yet.

ugh i cant tell you yet. stop asking.

ill be back soon.