burfday

today i turn 22. well isnt that something.
im gettin g ready to leave right now. going to get some raw fish and spirits with the lovely people i know.
[holds up glass]
heres to another year. and me still hanging on. still alive somehow.
heres to tonight. sigh.
heres to the fact that i still love my mom. even after last night.
heres to the cute card my dad gave me.
like i ALWAYS say.

heres to this.

the whole thing.

as complex and disconnected as we can be, as rotten and foul as things are at times.

by god, heres to this.

its something. [isn't it?]

quick quick quick quick

if she finds me here ill be done for.
and im not ready yet.

dreamt last night finally.
it was mostly me bleeding from a vacant black space in my stomach.
i tried to hold myself together.

literally.

and i just couldnt.

somehow i stood and walked. somehow i saw there was a chance for me to make it somehwere. as i walked i looked up and down the walls. things were under the paper. [things.]
moving and squishing and leaving greasy lipstick tracks. hooker lips and the wrong shade of nail polish comes to mind here.
i wasnt doing so good.
in my hands i feel something fall out of me. it mets out a small cry. it leaves blood on my fingers. i dont look at it. i try not to look at it.

then i woke up. i had only been asleep and hour.
tom was already out.
and the lights and the trains outside did little to comfort me.

im ok now. just a little shaken.

[by the way tonight im going to a halo party. fucking woo. i hate videogames. blarg.]

cancer time. [like hammer time but without the dayglo]

this state again. great.

i used to be able to sit here and type. edit and post. get up and lay down.
i used to be able to settle for blog communication. you know. let people read. look for comments. respond when necessary. but right now, by god all i want is to hear someones voice. i want my friends to stop reading and start asking. but it seems that all the ins and outs i go through as a complicated stephanie have dejected them. i know i have my phases of leave me alone. it happens often actually. and when i come to my senses and start sending the messages and calling the numbers i get the result. nothing. its too bad. sometimes i really try.

im so terribly sorry.

i would ask you not to give up dear friends. but who knows. i may be yelling the complete opposite in the next second.

cruelty comes to easy to me.

[whats happened]

last night

a list

i am
-fucking hungover. urrg.
-weightless [but only in my head]
-waiting for john and giselle to wake the FUCK up so i can go get food. fuck, you guys.
-still seeing tom defending us at the bar. valiantly i might add.
-in love with shiner now.
-still confused at to why a british pub has even a cubic square inch of nonsmoking area.
-changing cigarette flavors to camel infused.and yes i am that serious of a smoker. [pray for me]
-a little embarrassed
-still laughing from when we told giselle we applied at nationwide and she asked "wheres that bar?"
-still fucking sleepy.
-excited about tonight.

last night was much needed fun. we went we laughed we drank. it was nice not having a little black lining of fear on the whole night. it was nice just wearing whatever instead of mathcing my black to black. it was nice curling smoke sround my fingers as i leaned in to hear new things from the artists around me. we could have been anywhere. plus there was the super cool element of having jon act as our personal bodyguard. he even looked the part with the ear piece and everything. [sadly he just works for mad dogs but a girl can pretend right?] what was funny was that it wasnt even him who was the big strong man for the night, it was tom. two douche drunk McNobodys walk up to our table and catch us talking about a girl at the next one. i swear their like what you two talking shit for. i was just like no no no no i just admire her confidence. drunk 1 says why. i say well i dont know cause we dont have much. giselle has a funny look on her face. shes like yea. they go into this whole thing about havent you seen a mirror and blah blah fucking blah when tom walks up and drunkenly and in the most polite way asks them to fuck off. these ladies are with me. priceless. the whole time jon is behind us watching. it was just gross because they stank and drunk 2 was touching giselle. ugh. men in bars. wonderful. but tom was our puerto rican knight in shining drunkness. yesss.

i want to go to the industry tonight. and you know what, i am goddamnit. its weird going out and having the money to do it. i love this feeling. and the car. i love that too. the one thing im worried about is running into folks. right now, there are just some people i dont want to see. but you know seeing how last night was soo good, i think ill give the weekend another go. heres to otpimism.

now if youll excuse me im gonna go wake those fuckers. if i woke up before them, somethings wrong. maybe they died. hrmmmm.

heh.

of course i love you and of course it's what's inside that matters

but i think the whole charade is ending.

im at my parents doing laundry. i get this whole goddamned house to myself till monday. score.
some things:
i realize now that im not too good at driving on the highway. ugh ive never been so fucking scared before. the guy came out of no where and i was left at northstar mall in saks trying to calm myself down crying and heaving pacing and twitching in the chanel enclosure. the tight clean package of gay man working there came up to me with shock on his face, asked me if i was ok, then softly showed me the exit. i didnt even get to touch the tweed. thats why i went there damnit. urg.
saw abe today. turns out now isnt a good time. and thats all i want to say about it.
i did get to see jonathon today. we met at the old place and talked like before all the drama drowned out simpler things. he was just the shot of fascist sarcasm i needed to feel better and stop my shaking.
got paid today. FUCK YES. under the table mind you, but paid. mmmm. money feels good. i almost forgot how good.
besides all this i dropped off the final paperwork for the apt. we should have news soon. i hate waiting. its not my thing you see, so this is the hardest part. but ill make it. [i guess]
i want to do something tonight. i want to go out and dance maybe. i want to buy tom a drink and smile and forget all of this past shitty week. thats all i want. thank god for giselle, thank god for jon, thank god for tom. its gonna happen. i just dont want to see anyone else tonight. which sucks, this means i cant go to the old and new haunts. seems to me its time to find a new place and play into the old revolving social door theory. test the waters? bump strangers? well see. im not one for the spontaneous conversation and too be honest im feeling rather introverted. [which is weird based on how bad i want to be out. harumph]
ah well.
i would kill a tiny old woman for a lemon and a bag of hot cheetos.
[thats how i roll fool]
i havent dreamt in a few days. this is causing major depression. i wish i could explain furthur but im fucking tired.
sigh

[heres hoping tonight is something]

finally

good news.

[this blog will be boring for those of you who come here for the blatant weirdness. tis just my life today....]
me and tom took the day off today to go check out the apts on our list. our first hit happened to be our last due to some nice findings.
the complex was called crystal springs but they changed their names recently. they have ponds, a huge pool, fitness center, so on and so forth and they also have one thing we like. a need for tenants. sweet. so we get their and she says ok its 99 total move in. that covers the app fee and the first month. i ask wont we need extra for each app? she says nope its all covered. yessss. so we walk through. the apts are nice, clean and [eep] mostly white with creepy porn mirrors in the living room. but other than that the rooms were cozy and the master closet was fucking huge. with wall cabinets and everything. i loved it. we have to go tomorrow to drop off the money and our apps, then its just waiting time. im nervous and excited. i hope we get this place. its a shame we lost the last apt but you know 900 dollars down compares in NO FUCKING WAY to 99 bucks.
in other news i go back to toys r us this tues for my interview. i talked to the lady for like thirty minutes today and its sounding good. FUCK i would love my old job back. i miss the toys and even the screaming kids. i miss the nationals and the party room.
sigh heres hoping.
if that doesnt work out, sonia and dwayne told us that nationwide is hiring CSRs right now. we applied last night and the cell phone is waiting. 12 bucks and hour to start. goddamn. i would take any type of call for that much.
again. heres hoping.
other than that im just fucking bushed. i have to go pick up my car tonight from dad and see if theres anyway i can bum around there till the apt is ready.
woo.
heres to optimism.
a pleasant taste compared.

boiling

this must be what water feels like when all the bubbles are molesting it. my mind wont shut the hell up and sit down. not even when i ask nicely.

ouch.

work slayed me today. the only things that saved me were 344 and 313. 344 because he has a huge puppy that loves me and jumps me when he sees me. 313 because hes the man with the nicotine and a giving heart.
i worked in a type of haze today. zoning and spacing. working numbers in my head. seeing leases and pens, deposits and move in specials.
im just so tired.
i dont want to do anything.
'cept maybe sleep.

my blog is going no where.

i was going to bitch and rant about something.
but it would prove fruitless.
i could never get a word in edgewise anyway.
why bother.

[maybe later]

urg./

drama [yes please the more the fucking merrier]

strong points and deep understanding?

not so much.

some people should fucking MAJOR in being immature cry babies.
more poeple would have degrees and cheerleaders and goth kids would have something to hang on their walls.

end blog.

!!!!

im so fucking mad.
its hard to describe just how much.
it seems friendship is borderline with some people.
i sit here and think about all the people i know. about all the faces ive seen. all the words ive heard. all the touches ive felt.
and somehow it feels like nothing.
its happening all over again.
the transition.
the changes.
the music blares and people are laughing. im starting to loosen up and hear the music. im here finally and seeing the dances differ all around.
but now im home.
all of a sudden im in a way that makes me want to just fucking beat the shit out of something.
hrm.
i know too many douche bags.
i know too many people that walk by. ignoring.
too many people that keep drinking and drinking and drinking.
you just dont hear the words.
you just dont fucking care.
your words not mine.
and heres me.
with bruises on my chest and pain in my fucking heart.
but no worries.
you just fucking do what you want.
go on. take the shots and dance too close to people. fall and stumble and writhe and act surprised when the shit goes down in your fucking face.
im not going to stand for you anymore.

fuck.

how fucking DARE you?

that is all.

im too tired and i have to work.

fuck this.

night.

put me to sleep evil angel

i love
-mickeys.
-dorals.
-300.

all these things were involved in tonight.

heh.

fuck!

i think i have to work AGAIN tomorrow.

fucking WOO.

oh well as long as i have my puppy and my mechanical pencils im good.
[its a full life, mine]

i love.

plain and simple.

i dont deal very well with bright lights and pouty retarded artificial goings on.
but i guess that saves me from the douches and the madonna kids.

lucky me.

im drunk.

end of story.

good night.

dream

just now i had a little snip of a dream.
i had drawn a comic in it and when i went to show abe it sort of came to life.
my style was similar to the dicks in superbad. [funny]
it was like watching a demented cartoon.
red beings were walking and whispering, they looked like praying manti with human muscles and sinew but no skin, then there was the room with a sqaure hole in the center filled with black liquid with the snake like things rising out of it. they had bird skulls for heads and penis shafts for necks and nothing else. they said 'this comes from mother'. this comes from mother. over and over again.
finally i come to the end of the rooms, a wooden place with creaky floors and a weird smell.
[keep in mind, this is all animated]
i see this weird little blob of a thing its shaped like a pear. then i see another thing come over and suction itself to that thing. it was disgusting, they just kind of melted together.

well thats it. i cant seem to catch hole of the rest.

its all just fading.

sigh.

i have to go to work.

the children i know

will be 10.
and ill be entering my 30s.

life is flying by me.

god complex

i feel fucking GOOD.

im drunk and halfway to sleepy time.
im full.
im happy.
im danced out.
im complex.
im all things considered.
im this.
we are men.
men is what we are.
tonight was us.
tonight was drinks and beautiful angels waiting to be forgotten.
tonight was movement and total recall.
[without the shitty story line]

right now i can tackle goliath.
right now i can tell god to fucking eat a dick.
right now i can fill his role and make the world happy.
right now i am on top of the whole universe thing.
and i just sing quietly to myself.
i feel the smoke on my skin and save the numbers to the phone.
i abandon the pointless things that are envy.
i tell her shes pretty.
i tell him hes all the same.
i forget the same ol same ol.
i smile at that fact.
there are times we become as humans.
where we give the great and unquestionable fuck you to all that is silly and weak.
this.
this is my turn.
my chance.
my words.
i may be drunk.
sure
but in the end its just me the narcissistic corrupted masochistic fucked the fuck up girl who cant go one day without blogging and eating a ramen.
[heres me feeling lucky]
[heres me feeling happy just with myself]
[heres me feeling on top of the proverbial world]
[heres me]
[at ease]
sigh.
time for sleep.

by the way i am now stephanie the housekeeper.
well see how the new job goes.
well see how it all turns out.

as for anything after...
i only think in days.
tomorrow for instance.
industry anyone?

lets hope so.......


sleep comes.
deep, dark and pleasant.
complacent to fear. brave against prejudice.
it comes.
and i welcome it.



night

[total title change] and how!

this blog is not for the weak hearted.

and neither am i.

[youll need all you have to get me im sure. even then ill leave your fucking head spinning softly in idiocratic fashion.]

harumph. all the dreams im going to have tonight....... they better be careful not to make me mad. i get a little strange you see. and right now im all but in a sane way.

sardonic. my word of the day.

alton brown. my man of the day.

cleansing. my pointless attempt of the day.

sleep. my ending to said day.

hrm.

my fingers are folding on themselves. im so tired and all i can see is wilted baby with paper skin and the gentle way his mother picked him up, all the while with the terrified im fucking stuck this is my life im fucking stuck fuck fuck fuck look in her eyes. it almost scared me you know? like tomorrow god will fuck me and give me a baby to string me along in a steady downward spiral with it as it falls blindly into life. oy. what a headache of a sentence. what a migraine of a thought. creepy. but i doubt god finds me any kind of fuckable so im really not tooooo worried you know? more just in a jovial type of blaspheming mood. heh.
right.
your dream cake. tell me it. yes i said cake. no its not a trick question. oh for fucks sake.
[destruct. destruct. my head only knows single words sometimes.]
by tomorrow i may be stephanie the housekeeper. hmmmm. let the sexual deviance and petty theft begin. hee. maybe ill get one of those striped pink dresses. ugh. and my own cart. kill me. and a 75 year old trainer. woo.
went to nine lives today. scavenged the dog eared W magazines and drank cold dank coffee with the felines swooping down on my loose threads like starving mad[cats]. it was nice. being around books does something to me. like the pages are fluttering and the backs are cracks in the doorways. beckoning. yes.
abe posted a bulletin recently about chuck and neil and some kind of sick genius going on this very night. im all a tingle.
heh.
theres not much else to say.
im sure ill find something.
there.
feathers should be on everything all the time and they should all be yellow.

time for bed little one.
[or time for loveseat. whichever.]

night night.

urrrrrrg

a few questions.

on this strange rainy day.

part of me has been thinking hard on some of the goings on of my age group. us middle agers. us 20 somethingers. maybe its the weird mood im in today. that self loathing mode i love so much. dont get me wrong- on any other day it would be all the same if not for that single pixeled line of fascism present on the clouds of my mind this afternoon. and hey, i am in NO way a fascist but right now it feels like anything would be simpler than giving these filthy idiots [my peers as it were] total control of their own lives. anything that would stop the borderline retardation that is my generation. and im not saying complete fascist regime or anything im only saying stop the insanity people. or we'll shoot you. thats all. its things like thick lipstick and black gloves in the winter. its things like genre racism and total social protocal. its the lovely fucking things like trivial pursuit and douche-opoly. this is my platform people. what are we doing?
its like we have a dance. sure, we have a fun things we like to call existence. but its getting stranger. at least this is what i think just by observing the more recent group ive been exposed to.

people arent people anymore. their like posters on a middle school wall. covered in glitter and eager to please.

heres us keeping our backs to the walls, trying desperately to avoid all that is "mainstream". after all we have to be obscure to be anything. right?

heres us kissing and touching. its the new handshake. the new straightforward lie. its our new calling card.

heres us laughing and laughing and laughing until the buzz wears off or the drugs hit inflation.

heres us.

and heres my jaded opinion.
get your hands off me, i know im not making sense but for fucks sake doesnt anyone just talk anymore? its always a well timed joke or a silly anectdote. people are looking up their personalities online and selling the old ones to the younger crowd. love interests are spending hours making nice with the mirror only to go home smeared and crying and a little less loved or interested. urrrg. i wish i could structure my thoughts.

[its just. when did "awkward" become a sexual quality? a desired on at that?]
[when did people stop staring and asking questions?]
[when did the punk revolution make its said "comeback"?]

when did i stop finding this all amusing and start being a little scared?

you really shouldnt mind me. im a simple girl with a bitterly poetic view. as much as i question it- it wont mean that ill stop taking part. i love the pink lights and the dizzy headed conversations around the 40's and the goings on. its all just thoughts.

its all just semi interesting to talk about on a day full of picking myself apart.

who knows. im tired. and andrew says im going to blow up if i dont tell him where his mom and the spies are.

heh.

that is all.

end.

how to become homeless [a step by step]

1. check out a shitty house in kirby.
2. meet the slum lord. act respectable.
3. smell the weird stench of people past, ask why the toilets dont work.
4. move in anyway.
5. during first week get as drunk as possible. as often as possible. [maybe the problems will be fixed soon you say, maybe the smell isnt SO bad.]
6. begin bartering process- as rent is too high for this.
7. wake up one day and find said slum lord in your house, digging in your stuff.
8. suprise him. scare him. yell at him. keep your money. sit in shock.
9. you are now evicted.

congratulations.

this is where im a little confused. say, if i was anything other than a decent person i wouldnt be so goddamned befuddled, but i dont kick puppies and i love old people. why the karmatic disruption? why am i now in my roomates sisters living room, tired and sore from moving. AGAIN. this isnt nearly as funny as before... when i was younger and i could see the humor. now its just leases, and uhauls. first impressions and the horrible threat of a second story apartment and me with a thousand pound cajon to lug. fucking. woo. i dont know, its not so bad being out. its not like im starving and i still manage to wake up shower and walk like a normal person. but fuck am i beat. its nothing like the usual lovely depression, its more of a disappointment thing i suppose. its like getting a huge vat of gatorade on my head, its all fucking hoots and nannys until the hour after in sticky and pissed off. [i wonder how the coaches do it] bad analogy. i am sorry. blarg. i was just so attached to the fleeting space i had. for a second there i almost forgot that there were no doors on the kitchen cabinet and no lock on the backdoor. [the shitty wiring, the broken ac, the toilet situation...... man FUCK that place] yea! what the hell am i crying about? goddamn .. wait ... godFUCKINGdamn that place blew. now all i really have to worry about is how bad charlie smells. and man does he smell. [hes a dog by the way, and hes right here. pretty boy. peanut butt]

sidebar: abe just gave me a dirty fork to eat with and i only noticed just now. thanks a fucking lot mister. thanks. a. fucking. lot.

anyway.

where was i in my ranting. oh right. FUCK. i hate moving. all i thought about today was the fact that all of my worldy possessions are scattered in four different parts of the city. several of those possessions i might add are living pretty furry things. [my chu chu. sadness.] urg. what the hell. oh god im eating a boli. the ice sticks. the blue ones. mmmmmm. anyway it also didnt help today that god shat on me and abe at the public storage. thumbs up mister. i dont even want to go into it. its just that i cant get the smell of burning mulch out of my nose and the sick feeling of drizzle from my skin. but your right abe, we had some serious outdoor couching going on. and yes. i said couching. plus finding my dads cigarettes was a weird yet pleasant surprise.

[here tom makes squirrel noises from sonias couch, heh]

alright. let me see. im alive. we still have a whole pack of smokes. and sonia is a wonderful hostess. im ok. hold on. yep boobs are still there, and i think i may have gotten rid of that rash........ um never mind. i kid i kid. but being decent doesnt take away from the looming responsibilites ahead. cant wait. fuck i wish i was 16 again. at least them my parents were obligated by LAW to take care of me, not just out of love or whatever. damn.

[here i wrote something about sitcoms and how much they piss me off. but i think the bitterness is thorough enough from above.]

lovely.

enough of this. i had a dream the other night. it wasnt surreal, it was shifting and strange. it was normal. it was lifelike... and in it i was 26 and joey was 25. and alive obviously. it was the best feeling in the world. like for 6 hours or so i had him back and i wasnt scarred and sick like i am now. i cooked for him, we walked together, i met his girlfriend. i saw the man he would have been if he hadnt gone. the hardest part of the whole thing was waking up. drunk still and a little disoriented. i walked to my bathroom and looked in the mirror wondering what had just happened. then promptly cried for two hours. it was the most painful waking up ive had since a little over a year ago. but at least i can still feel tendrils of the dream. when i think on it, i can still see it. like a little movie-memory that wont ever happen but wont need to. topsy turvy. yep.

thats all with me really.

oh there is this song thats been killing me lately. they play it at this club ive been gracing. heh. gracing. its a damn good song. i just dont know who its by or what its called and its annoying as abe in the morning.

[here i think of my name in retard speak]

blarg.

im through.

im out.

im sleepy.

and i need a fucking cigarette.

good blogging everyone.

yesssss.