in an moment

i lost myself.

im pretty sure i just slapped someone in the face.

closed doors.

locked them.

and i dont care.

me again

the lost angry simple stand alone girl you always loved to watch crash.

im too tired for this.

but it doesnt seem to click.

doesnt come to the surface.

im gonna give you everything. since after all its nothing.

right?

ps

i am now selling my work. pictures soon. cash accepted. but if you write me something moving ill give it to you for free.

promise.

im not a hack, and ill make you think and stare. with paint. ooooooh. hah.

coma time.

i lied

still smoking.


not caring though. so i guess it works out.

#bodyfail

my whole body hurts. its been the mood lately. the down. it hasnt been so bad.
i just quit smoking, again.
maybe ill go for a run tomorrow.
its been a while. im getting too soft again.


last night the dream was in and out. i couldnt stay asleep for longer than a few minutes. and even then i was restless. i only remember
jogging
a bus
streets and a man following me
the bar i found when i got lost
a girl pouring orange juice on her self
and finally being found
huh i could swear there was something more. i have the residual dream homesickness i always have when something was really good. but i dont have any images to back this up. maybe it was nothing.

im not looking forward to work today. something about the last few days has made me pull in to myself. how do you explain that to people you really just barely know? answer: you dont. although tonight is one of my favorite nights now. a now familiar and comforting gorup, even that one grumpy one. well see. maybe after i just wont come home. i did promise a visit to someone. jose is very understanding of my runaways. i should remember this. not take it too far. jumping ahead now.

sore and still half asleep i must get ready for work.

urg.

oooh check me out

[what could i want]
to say maybe to just say
i live in florence
ive kissed an accent
im willing to tackle puzzles
ive been to rome
ive touched a saint
ive eaten food that costs more than a hundred dollars
ive painted in blood
i can walk to a church, i have walked to a church
i can break this with one hand
im never late
im always waiting
[the last one is true already]

time doesnt tick by me, it crashes
nothing makes me blink, only shudder
there isnt room left, except for the ashes
there wont be me, but there will be another

all the things there are to have faith in to say i want to do to dream about and fall all over how can they be achieved when to me they arent real goals but simple poetry and pretty words? can i bring them to the physical? dominate my never land and say this is real, this ticket is paid in cash, my plane is leaving this gate, why am i standing still... move girl move.

something will trigger. i pray im a sleeper cell.

sleep time. whether i choose to fight or not.

animalistic and the previous thought

im pretty sure i paced all morning. i dont remember the time but im sure it was early. laying down hurt. trying to get comfortable was annoying and i didnt want to sleep.

stubborn me drifted off anyway.

dream.

in someones backyard. its pretty big. rolling. very grassy and nice smelling. the house stands to the right of me, and a group of people to the left and milling. there is a weird metal pipe structure in the center of the yard. nothing functional, just there. some people are working on the house or renovations are in progress. something. at the very end of the yard i hear water so i walk to it. a small river whooshes there, but i see the other side isnt a bank but a white blue wall. i look up. huh. were in a seemingly gigantic box. this doesnt bother me much i look at the water again. the moss growing up on the plaster wall and the tiny snails embedded there. i walk back to the group. some people reach and grab my hands, and as i curl fingers i hear a crashing. looking up at the house i see a woman rolling on the roof, towards the edge. last second she grabs the gutter and half of the whole house comes down. she starts laughing. i look over to the right handed corner of the yard and now there are huge plastic dinosaurs standing there. i walk to them but im pulled back by tugging hands and words i dont quite hear. so now in the center of the yard im wearing a human sweater. arms are here and there, i dont know who is touching and holding me. but its comforting. and i stand there. eventually they lt go. and now im alone in the yard. i walk to the house and look inside one of the dusty windows. a dog is dead on the floor in the center of the room. his insides are pushed out (alot of viscera in the dreams as of late. hrmph) and in the blood and mush i see something glint in the sun. the window is locked and curiosity burns. then its like the dog takes a shuddering terrible breath and im going to throw up and then im awake and its god awful early for this coma girl.

i dont want innards in my dreams anymore. sigh.

its almost time to start in on the ideas i have sketched out in actual paint and canvas. thomas has some great things planned too. updates soon.
then theres this: http://downtownsanantonio.org/main/events/u11
ARTS AND EATS ARTS AND EATS ARTS AND EATS ARTS AND EATS weeee.
so many things to plan and get on. im exhausted.

need to quit smoking but dont want to.

ive heard the word sodomy about 3 times in the last hours. huh.

mom leaves to the Philippines this weekend. let operation babysit dad and keep him from falling out the tree house and be eaten by cats begin. should be fun.
ive always wanted to drive to floresville every other day. why would they move out there?!

time to go to work. hello this is stephanie, no i dont want to do that, ew sir please, thats it, operator taking down your number to hunt you down and kick you in the taint.

enough.

early morning

i havent been to bed. be worried. i am.
sssseveral days to go before relaxing.

i knew i shouldnt have brought philosophy books to work with the weather like this. perfect existential mess. is what i am. you see.

and all i can think about is fire, cell phones, boys, and paint.

all in various stages of oh my god.

twitchy. and i still want coffee. insecure. im so weird in general. misshapen and odd and clumsy. still i walk chin up. wondering deeeeeeply why i bother. then i catch someone and smile and they smile back and im sure im quite a charmer and then my brain turns fourteen and its to sex and foul thought.

all this is an instant.

walking through the desert with gold bars, you wouldnt even trade them for a sip of water. and its your own fault.

i think i may be sleep blogging. if i wake up and this isnt here then ill be sad. im enjoying this.

why do boys fart in their sleep. i cant find something like that endearing. i tried.

tomorrow is another chance. for what who knows. but im sure its not going to be fun or easy, just satisfying afterward.

will i be sore?

hope not.

getting darker

what the hell is up with my dreams lately? theyve been kind of...


so last nights dream right?


right.


im taking my grandmother somewhere. she has to find this bank somewhere in the city so were going. the whole thing is off, im supposed to be driving, but instead we are running next to each other. but we still act like we are in a car. i even have a piece of paper with a gas gauge drawn on it that is moving i swear. huh. so were on highways and were running all around us people are running too, but driving really. understand? yea dont worry. as we run i look around and swear i see a body on the ground but i keep on with my grandmother. then we run up on a group, a very large group cluttering the road ahead and huddled around something. this time i know its a body and its a man. hes splayed out on the high way, basically, squished. we try to move to the right and i almost step in his brains which are everywhere. a man is kneeling over him rubbing his body and moving him to his side. im confused by that. the man flails the dead squished man, and now they are both bloody. i grab my grandmas hand and drag her away. there is a type of exit ramp nearby that feeds into a large building and i gladly follow it. the ramp leads to a type of balcony on top of the building and i look down and watch the blood trail from people who have stepped in bloodied man and made hasty retreat. im a little sick. there are strange red pipe statues and sculptures littered on the balcony, i push through glass doors and make sure shes still with me. its a business office, people walk around and hardly look at us, we follow stairs down and now were out on the smaller more comfortable streets. from here i run on but not with her, now im with a boy i think i cant tell. were hitting back streets and alley ways, just running. i remember feeling exhausted. the boy and i talk while we sprint, its fun almost. we turn down a small alley and i have a hit of memories that ive lived here before or someone i know lived here. i tell him we have to get out of this alley and we run further down the street. then i realize im not wearing shoes. weird. we run towards an open warehouse but stop at the door. i yell this is the coal miners place we have to leave! the ground is wet and the place stinks like smoke and gas. then an engine starts somewhere, loud and terrifying and we run back to the alley. im still leading this boy and i push into a sad looking blue duplex, i know that this is the only way to get through to the other side. the house is near empty, there is a curtain in the corner hanging and hiding what i think is a small bed. i tell the boy this used to be nicer. there used to be things here and i walk on to the back screen door and open it. there is a family there on the porch, alot of little girls and a mom and dad and i say excuse me as i try to slip by. the little girls are laughing and grabbing at my hands and as i walk by the last one she kisses me on the cheek. the mom starts to laugh. now were in the next part of the duplex. its a little nicer than the last one. carpet, furniture and tons of animals. strange colored cats, dogs with paint crusted on their fur, and i think i saw a monkey.... weird we work our way to the back porch but when we open the screen a woman stands there with a scarf over her head at the edge of where the porch drops off about 50 feet. she says oh its you again, do you remember me? you used to come around all the time. i sell blow up mattresses, i sell chanel. you want? im tired now i just want to get out. so i jump. after landing in some bushes and making sure nothing is broken i stand up and now im face to face with the boy following me for the first time. (i recognized him instantly, kinda knew it was you.) i tell him to come on and were running again. this time the dream fuzzes out. and im waking up to 25 tweets (damn you neil and amanda) and jose telling me hes off to work.

i woke up EXHAUSTED.

like DEAD tired. all that running. it was fun to pretend. me the smoker could never do that in real life. maybe i should quit and try. it was quite awesome.

right now im watching a show about prison on discovery. its not very comforting. in fact im sitting here with mingled rage and disgust. ill never understand what makes people so damn violent. so fucked up. look whos talking but i would never hurt another person. ever. not like that. im gonna change it to the food channel....

thats better....

i am in love

with all that this is. is there hope? is there wonder? yes im sure. im positive. im enlightened. i pure and full.

its all that there is, hope and freedom.

its you and me. its this and that. its love. thats what it is. love.

has to be.

right?

lingerie and children in caves

i wish i had cigarettes.
kix will have to do.

finally its the day off weee. still im thinking about going to work. whatever. last night was alot of tru tv and thinking. it was actually pretty rough. i fell into the old thoughts and tried to make up for them with books and a few beers but instead i felt storms. so i went to sleep. and it worked. sort of.

dream. in no certain terms.

im on this sort of island. its not mossy or tropical. it seems to be in the middle of a swamp or something. the island itself is a land mass but more of a huge old old house almost growing out of the water. its like a castle with courtyards and bricks and winding staircases. built like a monastery. pretty neat architecture. im sitting with a group of girls on the outer wall looking at the water. we're waiting for orders or something like that, some of them are wearing masks, some are putting on makeup, all of them are pretty and small. i fidget. a man comes in and claps his hands come pick now! he shouts, follow me. we merge with some boys and end up in a room, which somehow looks like the living room i used to have in california. there are thick couches lining the walls and tables too all of these are covered with clothes, with jewelry, makeup, gloves, shoes, etc. we sit in a circle and the man tells us to pick. we start grabbing clothes. everything is beautiful, and shiny and way way too sexy but i find some really gorgeous tops i like. the girl next to me makes a comment about my boobs. i laugh and tell her to shut up its not my fault she was born with a boy body. i turn away and play with the necklaces and makeup. there are men in the room now, waiting for their turn to pick, some of their faces are painted white, and some where jester outfits and others top hats and vests. then it dawns some kind of fashion show, or maybe something else, but now im bored so i go looking for something else to do. im walking under arches and tunnels trying to find someone to talk to, people are rushing around in various stages of undress, prob for the show but i just want to find my friends. a man stops me and says you havent hung yet, you need to get up the stairs, they make you run all the way up then all the way down. press the button now get lost. i remember that word for word, he even had his hand on my chest. my hair is very long. so i start climbing some stairs nearby, they go almost straight up at the most ridiculous angle, crazy stairs! i get to the top and there is a tiny room at the top and a girl sits pushing hair chopsticks into her thighs. i nearly fall down the damn stairs this time. i walk on. i find this little library now, its tiny, and it looks and smells like the libraries from when we were in elementary school. its shaped almost like a circle. i walk and examine. this library is weird. animals scurry on the shelves. the children play with broken computers and pieces of wallpaper. the books are soaking wet for some reason and bloated and dead. there is a fish tank but the water is black. im a little freaked out, suddenly everything is sticky and disgusting i need out. im tripping over shattered plastic and discarded blocks and then i fall down a short bunch of stairs into the basement of the library. everything is blue i look for a sources of the light and find none. there are a few kids down here but i cant see their faces, they are dark for some reason, crouched over something that is protesting in sharp squeals and growling in response to whatever the child is doing to them. i scramble up the stairs and push my way out of the place. now i have fresh air on my face. im strolling almost when i hear a loud crash. i walk over the stones of the castle grounds and find the source of the noise. a wall has fallen, and in the chaos i here boys yelling. little boys. i run over and shake off dust and look down at the hole the huge bricks have made. there are two tunnels that go pretty deep and in each tunnel a small boy. they are scratching and trying to climb with no luck. for some reason i know that they are tv stars and that they witnessed their dad get blown to pieces by a hidden bomb. (swear) i watch them grab pieces of rock and tear them out of the walls. by this time im pretty sure these two got this so i leave. as i walk some of the girls run up to me and start putting necklaces around my neck and pushing earrings through my ears. making new holes and they laugh when their hands come back red. im too tired to feel it, or laugh back. they keep sliding jewelry onto me, pulling at my hair and sticking pins into it, chokers, anklets, headbands, its all so heavy i stop and lay down on the ground. im going to sleep. then i wake up.

and its 3 in the afternoon. yessss. hello grogginess. that you? its been a while.

its been weird right now there is a struggle i will tell you that. im fighting myself but i dont want it to come to what it could. i just wish i could take off my body and skip out for a while. just float and listen. or maybe live inside of a hug for a few days. but no one has time for that and im pretty sure my body is well attached to me.

at least i have a few people around that help when it gets rough. im lucky that way. i should remember that.

sleepy again. maybe ill spend friday in bed.

yep. will do.

the other times

dream.

most of my dreams are similar. they have a sort of structure that i love really. i always fall in love with the boys in my dreams. always. there are usually car crashes, schools, and water. i usually changed surroundings to be more naturalistic. highways to water falls, swimming pools to dried out river beds. its fun, you know. makes me feel like a tripping mad architect. i haven't written one down in a while. onward.

last night i fell asleep holding onto the happiness of last night. i didnt know i was dreaming which was strange when i woke up in a parking lot. something about the place made me know i was in california. i was happy then, back home, wondering how old i was and what time was it and wait my hair is super long! i always love remembering the first few minutes of discovery the next morning. they are the most vivid and most exciting memories compared to the coming puzzle and play of the rest of the dream. the parking lot was huge. there were three cars. all parked right next to each other. i ran to them hoping family or friends were waiting to pick me up. thinking we could go to the hills where i grew up i could show them all these places! i get the backs of these cars and they are parked right on each other. too close to move in between. every time i blink they change color. i realize someone is sitting in the drivers seat of the car on the far left. i try to get in but the door is locked, actually there were no handles. its a man and i cant see his face. he is heaving with his hands covering his eyes and mouth. i have to get to him. for some reason i know hes mine. i run to the rightmost car and the get in. the cars are full of toys, the most random creepy things ever. as i squeak and crunch my way through the cars im vaguely and sickly aware that the floors of these cars are wet and somewhat soft. a little warm too... hmmm.. i push on through them and their connecting windows im just to the last one almost touching this boy on the shoulder i twitch and im not there any more. now im standing in the middle of a huge park. at this point im ready to accept that im dreaming and a little miffed at metaphors. too much brain workin. i try not to think about it and move on. the park is beautiful and very green. i know im in florida now. throughout the park are glass capsules buried just under the ground, so you can stop and glance in if you wanted. they are sealed tight and they sparkle in the sun like peeking diamonds through the moss and grass. im in awe, i love this place. i start hunting the capsules one by one. sometimes finding people curled in them, sometimes animals and mostly objects. pretty jewelry tangled in bloody barb wire fills one, in another tiny white pills, in another a strange purple dust piled into words i cant read, dead cell phones, shoes filled with glass, etc. im only disturbed when i get to the woman in a tight ball. ive been running for what seems like years, i love it im not tired, just curious and i find her. shes crouched head between her knees hand up pressing on the glass. its like this isnt a display like the others. she wants out. as im thinking it she pounds once and then simply presses her hand back to the glass. i kneel next to her capsule and watch her. shes all hair and skin, naked spare her feet. socks. i must have done that i hate bare feet. i dont feel anything for this woman. so i leave. i find a bench and sit. the boy is there. waiting. he says the cars are here. somewhere. i laugh and say im never leaving. he says then neither am i. im reaching for him again. i just want to see his face then im woken up by various hamster jose phone noises and its over.

it was a very pretty dream. the glass capsules were my favorite thing. they were so fascinating. like if given the chance to spend eternity there my mind would gladly change them to a million degrees and variations as far as contents. it was almost a challenge like my mind wanted to keep me surprised. like i was playing with my subconscious the way i would another breathing thing. it was exhilarating. this time the boy was afterthought. i like that. maybe im breaking my dependency on need and love and attention. i think it could be a hint to get back to the creative things from before. i worked so hard the last few months just to peter out now. what am i thinking? i see my paintings in my friends homes and now i think im ready to start selling and really stepping it up. i like that. the motivation that my dreams give me is powerful. i never expect half the shit i show myself there. the CRAZINESS of the places my mind makes and the interaction with people and things feels like ecstasy. strength.

im pretty sure that while nice words from others feels good now, i can only move if i hear my own voice. is that good? its hard to tell. it feels amazing so i guess i dont care. hah.

im kind of excited for today.

lately

its been a ride, yes ya'll. its been crazy absolutely nutters. i dont really know what im doing to be honest with you. not sure what direction ive chosen or what i want. its like the kid in the store, you know the retarded one, grabbing candy and stuffing face in obscene and embarrassing ways. me. yep. hi. thats me. theres no line, no track, no lights or candles to guide me just hands thrust out and holding tight on whatever happens to walk in front of me. before i even finished typing that i was troubled by it. reading what i say is always surprising. most times the thoughts dont materialize until they are blinking here in type. who defines themselves in a blog? who works out all the issues that should have been thought of and analyzed at the time while they are alone and smoking and typing? DAYS later? me. hi again. yep me. dreams have been strange lately. ive kissed a boy that i have always wanted to kiss but never have (it felt horrible in the morning), ive taken the bus to india somehow, blown up cars, put babies in cages, set myself on fire. most of the tones in my dreams though are reminders that im in a state of chaos that always precedes madness and eventual harm. im in the state of gray at the beginning of the storm, and if i can say it does that mean i can stop it? i dont know, all i know is that there is a wild and unnerving sense to life lately. like ive lost something. definitely direction, maybe sanity, but hopefully not control. we'll see. but i no longer crave your pity so lets move on ;).

halloween was fun. we went to the biggest gayest club we could find and got lost. it was well worth the wait to get in, mostly because of the company in line and the fact that thomas had rum in a mcdonalds cup. ahhhh just like being eighteen again. sigh. lol. inside was HECTIC with a touch of frenzied charm. calaveras and pinatas made me smile. including the guy that WAS a pinata. he let thomas hit him the handed him candy. swear. fantastic. alot of tits. ALOT of tits. ha. we danced almost the whole night. dirty. lol. but when you go to the bonham its your civic duty as a rat in san antonio to dance like you fuck. and these girls were let me tell you. i on the other hand was very classy. nope im lying i was messy. but it was great fun, the end of the night was everyone wearing everyone elses makeup and stumbling with costumes trailing behind them or in trash cans. it was alot of happy halloween bitches and even more laughing and eventually i know everyone in that club hit a taco cabana cause half of them were at the one by my house. thomas fell out of the car trying to pee and jose fell asleep in the backseat after burping and yelling why aren't we moving while we were going 70 on the highway. i woke up feeling like a paper bag full of dried coyote poo but it was my last hurrah before settling into a productive rest of the holidays season.

i cant wait to get started on something. paints are sitting staring at me. my brains works harder. need concept and a nap.

ehhhhhhhhh. yep.

its nice and its not but its here and its now.

<3