wellllll, no mas cell phone.
i woke up and reached for her this morning, to check my twitter, to see who needs me, to tell someone i need them, to click away. let it ring. talk.
and she wasn't there.
i suppose i'll manage.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
hard to explain
woof, i just woke up in a semi frenzy. what a weird ass dream, im sure i thought i was drunk and suffocating at the end there, even though i went for a run last night, drank water and tried to lay down as early as i could (2am). its like my body and mind love the chaos. they have tasted it and they miss it as far as they are concerned im a boring fuck and a little terrifying stimulation wont hurt anybody.
i swear my hands are shaking.
last night:
so im living in a huge house. its massive and it actually breaks into a courtyard in the center so its more of a complex maybe than a whole house. i live with ivan and sep and they have a massive wing to themselves that opens to the living room. the house is full of furniture from my life, the dark tall entertainment center that i used to love when i was young, the couches, tiny glass things on every shelf. im wandering through the house and its pieces of all my other houses ive ever lived in, the Philippines, san diego, here in san antonio. im touching everything. these things, these houses play deep resonating roles in the massive chain of events that made me stephanie so i take in every detail and laugh at the red and black shag carpet under my feet. (we got that here in our first house in texas) i come to ivans room and walk in its more of a large closet and its wall are like a drug store, full of makeup, creams, powders and cotten balls. i browse. im reaching for a bottle of pills when i hear movement outside, i ignore it and open the bottle. the pills are multicolored and multishaped, they are beautiful like little jewels and they smell like berries. they are vitamins? pain pills? diet pills? i cant read the label, i pour some of them into my hand and look at them closely, tiny powdery horses, glittery hearts that are anatomically correct, blue babies with umbilical cords still attached, yellow regular vicodan shapes. im about to try a fist full when ivan appears at the door, i stutter that i was just looking for some foundation and as im walking out he takes the bottle from my hands and gently tells me these are poison. like i am a small child. i flee.
[parts missing fuzzy frustrating]
-somewhere in here there was a grassy hill and a college campus and then an east side vacant lot. i cant grab it.
-there was also a part where we bring my grandmother a bright red picnic table and we sit and talk with her. her two dogs are tied up to a fence near us and i notice they arent barking. i look closely and their mouths are sealed shut. they are deathly thin. i want to cry.
finally i come back into full remembering with me and thomas going to a digital strip club. the women are not real they are like video game women. there is a massive stage and the girls crawl all over it. at one point they shut off the music and i slow dance on the stage with ha bountiful red head. she sighs and puts her head on my shoulder and i feel her thighs on mine and yes i am turned on but then i smell plastic and smoke and i remember shes not a real woman so i walk from her and she starts to yell at me, but it sounds like autotune and i run out the door. now i feel drunk im swaying on my feet and im in an alley. im slammed from behind by a familiar face - jaymes - hes standing there a little breathless and he shakes a bottle in my face and says,
"wake up! you were waiting for me then?"
and i say, "no i just knew you'd show up, where are we going?"
he said, "we can find things where our souls live, we can find what we need in moments, right now we are a second, we are ticking, we are walking, and you should arm up."
and he extends his arm and i take it and off we run! i am vaguely aware that there were two cop cars at the other end of the alley and as we reach our end and the street i hear their engines start and i stumble and fall. jaymes drags me and i find my feet, we are running towards a huge church, i fall two more times before we are ushered into the church by a cute girl with glasses. she walks us through the halls of it and we find a dimly lit living room, i hear whispers and turn to look down the hallways where i see small old women huddled around corners. creepy. the girl in the glasses sits me and jyames down and offers us cigarettes. her and jaymes drink deeply from the bottle he has and i feel faint. i look at the walls, they are covered in painting, strange beautiful works, with vibrant colors and crazy themes. im not doing too well and i fall out of my chair.
and wake up on my floor at home. shaking and kicking and out of breath.
yep.
i need some fucking coffee.
i swear my hands are shaking.
last night:
so im living in a huge house. its massive and it actually breaks into a courtyard in the center so its more of a complex maybe than a whole house. i live with ivan and sep and they have a massive wing to themselves that opens to the living room. the house is full of furniture from my life, the dark tall entertainment center that i used to love when i was young, the couches, tiny glass things on every shelf. im wandering through the house and its pieces of all my other houses ive ever lived in, the Philippines, san diego, here in san antonio. im touching everything. these things, these houses play deep resonating roles in the massive chain of events that made me stephanie so i take in every detail and laugh at the red and black shag carpet under my feet. (we got that here in our first house in texas) i come to ivans room and walk in its more of a large closet and its wall are like a drug store, full of makeup, creams, powders and cotten balls. i browse. im reaching for a bottle of pills when i hear movement outside, i ignore it and open the bottle. the pills are multicolored and multishaped, they are beautiful like little jewels and they smell like berries. they are vitamins? pain pills? diet pills? i cant read the label, i pour some of them into my hand and look at them closely, tiny powdery horses, glittery hearts that are anatomically correct, blue babies with umbilical cords still attached, yellow regular vicodan shapes. im about to try a fist full when ivan appears at the door, i stutter that i was just looking for some foundation and as im walking out he takes the bottle from my hands and gently tells me these are poison. like i am a small child. i flee.
[parts missing fuzzy frustrating]
-somewhere in here there was a grassy hill and a college campus and then an east side vacant lot. i cant grab it.
-there was also a part where we bring my grandmother a bright red picnic table and we sit and talk with her. her two dogs are tied up to a fence near us and i notice they arent barking. i look closely and their mouths are sealed shut. they are deathly thin. i want to cry.
finally i come back into full remembering with me and thomas going to a digital strip club. the women are not real they are like video game women. there is a massive stage and the girls crawl all over it. at one point they shut off the music and i slow dance on the stage with ha bountiful red head. she sighs and puts her head on my shoulder and i feel her thighs on mine and yes i am turned on but then i smell plastic and smoke and i remember shes not a real woman so i walk from her and she starts to yell at me, but it sounds like autotune and i run out the door. now i feel drunk im swaying on my feet and im in an alley. im slammed from behind by a familiar face - jaymes - hes standing there a little breathless and he shakes a bottle in my face and says,
"wake up! you were waiting for me then?"
and i say, "no i just knew you'd show up, where are we going?"
he said, "we can find things where our souls live, we can find what we need in moments, right now we are a second, we are ticking, we are walking, and you should arm up."
and he extends his arm and i take it and off we run! i am vaguely aware that there were two cop cars at the other end of the alley and as we reach our end and the street i hear their engines start and i stumble and fall. jaymes drags me and i find my feet, we are running towards a huge church, i fall two more times before we are ushered into the church by a cute girl with glasses. she walks us through the halls of it and we find a dimly lit living room, i hear whispers and turn to look down the hallways where i see small old women huddled around corners. creepy. the girl in the glasses sits me and jyames down and offers us cigarettes. her and jaymes drink deeply from the bottle he has and i feel faint. i look at the walls, they are covered in painting, strange beautiful works, with vibrant colors and crazy themes. im not doing too well and i fall out of my chair.
and wake up on my floor at home. shaking and kicking and out of breath.
yep.
i need some fucking coffee.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
headsore
sometimes
-i just really want some fucking candy.
-i think i should go vegetarian.
-i wonder why i hurt everywhere.
-i smile at strangers on the street, kinda.
-i just need the good, strong, slightly acidic kind of coffee.
-things work out.
-the bed feels like its full of needles. why can't i just sleep?
-my dreams aren't for me, the messages i mean.
-i wonder what it would be like right now if i had just skipped 2006. [travesty]
-my head head feels like its going to break open in an unexpected place.
-i cut off all my hair.
-i trust.
im in a weird way. its been a long time since, well, since there have been marks to explain. its been hard, i think about it everyday. he tells me its not worth it. i tell him he doesnt understand. he just smiles and say im too beautiful to be doing that shit. he gives me butterflies and i focus on the fluttery feeling rather than the itchy finger one. im lucky. but im also weak. i dont want to think about relapse i dont want to relive or even remember the alcohol burn of a white hospital. cream colored dapakote, tiny pink seroquel. twitch. but its ok. im sure im stronger than i give myself credit for. but nights when im all alone wide awake and thinking too much all too fast well those are the perfect nights for bad decisions.
its ok.
the down always leads back to ups.
hang on. hang on. hang on.
-i just really want some fucking candy.
-i think i should go vegetarian.
-i wonder why i hurt everywhere.
-i smile at strangers on the street, kinda.
-i just need the good, strong, slightly acidic kind of coffee.
-things work out.
-the bed feels like its full of needles. why can't i just sleep?
-my dreams aren't for me, the messages i mean.
-i wonder what it would be like right now if i had just skipped 2006. [travesty]
-my head head feels like its going to break open in an unexpected place.
-i cut off all my hair.
-i trust.
im in a weird way. its been a long time since, well, since there have been marks to explain. its been hard, i think about it everyday. he tells me its not worth it. i tell him he doesnt understand. he just smiles and say im too beautiful to be doing that shit. he gives me butterflies and i focus on the fluttery feeling rather than the itchy finger one. im lucky. but im also weak. i dont want to think about relapse i dont want to relive or even remember the alcohol burn of a white hospital. cream colored dapakote, tiny pink seroquel. twitch. but its ok. im sure im stronger than i give myself credit for. but nights when im all alone wide awake and thinking too much all too fast well those are the perfect nights for bad decisions.
its ok.
the down always leads back to ups.
hang on. hang on. hang on.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
being in a coma - easier than you think kids
i sleep like the dead. waking up in the morning is like dragging myself out wet cement. my head is a thousand pounds, my brain is screaming at my limbs to keep me still, [she prefers dreaming to reality], and i have to think really hard to figure out where i am exactly and why is it so dark if its daytime?
anyway. i dream.
and i am frustrated because the one last night is getting away from me. with the dog needing to go out, and me being distracted by the weather, then jose comes home for lunch and all the damn little tidbits are slipping. i remember:
-the ocean with all the people floating in it. some were dead and some weren't. apparently thats how people would travel. they would lay in the water and float to another place. anchored to their legs were cabinets and suitcases. i remember floating around and hearing a family cry because their father was dead and they were clinging to his bobbing body for dear life.
-back on land trying to get my family to pack so they could leave the island they were on. there was a huge cabinet and i watched my mom and dad crawl into the impossibly small drawers and settle in for the journey. i was shoveling in jewelry telling the person helping me dont steal any of this, she has it all weighed she will know and the wedding ring is the most important. i look at all the jewelry and keep pushing into the drawers.
-the diner. there was a diner that was more like a jail? you would go into the first part of it, like a capsule, and feel air whooshing around you. then you went into the main part where you sat at a table with another person. the tables would decide who to keep. both time i was in the diner the chains wrapped around the other person and i walked out. it was terrifying.
shit. i cant remember much else of it. it was another dream i had the homesickness for. i swear it hurts like real life. i wake up and throughout the day ill get these pangs of sadness, like ive lost a good friend, or ive moved a million miles away from a warm comforting place. its the damndest thing.
its been a real financial struggle lately. money has a way of aging you slash killing you a little inside. sigh.
i started painting the big giant piece yesterday. its coming along.
its a rough draft as of now. the rabbit will be filled and detailed. the clouds will be thicker and more colors will be used at the bottom. from where the pink clouds top is and up i will be spray painting the entire upper part a patent leather black frame and all. then using butcher paper ill create stars by punching holes and using a stark white. on top of THAT ill be painting out solar system planets. the planets themselves wont go onto the frame theyll be contained. i think ill love that contrast and the whole fucking with perspective. i gotta tell you. im really loving this one.
work has been mind numbing. if it wasnt for the weirdos i know and love there i would paint the walls with my brains. leash yells at callers, navi makes crack coffee and jaymes makes me want to punch him in the face. saviors.
mostly its this
the dog is staring at me. fine we'll go walk in this pea soup travesty of bipolar weather that is san antonio tonight.
[grump]
anyway. i dream.
and i am frustrated because the one last night is getting away from me. with the dog needing to go out, and me being distracted by the weather, then jose comes home for lunch and all the damn little tidbits are slipping. i remember:
-the ocean with all the people floating in it. some were dead and some weren't. apparently thats how people would travel. they would lay in the water and float to another place. anchored to their legs were cabinets and suitcases. i remember floating around and hearing a family cry because their father was dead and they were clinging to his bobbing body for dear life.
-back on land trying to get my family to pack so they could leave the island they were on. there was a huge cabinet and i watched my mom and dad crawl into the impossibly small drawers and settle in for the journey. i was shoveling in jewelry telling the person helping me dont steal any of this, she has it all weighed she will know and the wedding ring is the most important. i look at all the jewelry and keep pushing into the drawers.
-the diner. there was a diner that was more like a jail? you would go into the first part of it, like a capsule, and feel air whooshing around you. then you went into the main part where you sat at a table with another person. the tables would decide who to keep. both time i was in the diner the chains wrapped around the other person and i walked out. it was terrifying.
shit. i cant remember much else of it. it was another dream i had the homesickness for. i swear it hurts like real life. i wake up and throughout the day ill get these pangs of sadness, like ive lost a good friend, or ive moved a million miles away from a warm comforting place. its the damndest thing.
its been a real financial struggle lately. money has a way of aging you slash killing you a little inside. sigh.
i started painting the big giant piece yesterday. its coming along.
its a rough draft as of now. the rabbit will be filled and detailed. the clouds will be thicker and more colors will be used at the bottom. from where the pink clouds top is and up i will be spray painting the entire upper part a patent leather black frame and all. then using butcher paper ill create stars by punching holes and using a stark white. on top of THAT ill be painting out solar system planets. the planets themselves wont go onto the frame theyll be contained. i think ill love that contrast and the whole fucking with perspective. i gotta tell you. im really loving this one.
work has been mind numbing. if it wasnt for the weirdos i know and love there i would paint the walls with my brains. leash yells at callers, navi makes crack coffee and jaymes makes me want to punch him in the face. saviors.
mostly its this
the dog is staring at me. fine we'll go walk in this pea soup travesty of bipolar weather that is san antonio tonight.
[grump]
Thursday, January 28, 2010
dream 867295756.9678472
last nights dream was short and packed in with very confusing shit, let me tell you, dont know what was wrong with the brain but she was moving.
i cant even grab all of it.
i swear i was only asleep for an hour...
and here:
the part i can remember is the last part. but in the beginning im sure i faintly remember
-the ocean
-boats, HUGE boats, and a town floating out in the middle of nowhere
-a child bartender
-fish tanks full of goldfish
-jellyfish bites
the ending was a little more grounded, hah, i guess. i was in my first house here in san antonio, the house we moved in when we first got here when i was young. but now im a grown woman, much older than i am now i think. and i have children. (shudder) so i know ive been walking for the last few hours i feel memories, dream memories, of a campus of some kind, with alot of ivy. i also see a mans face, hes angry. im in the house now and i hear a banging on the front door its the man i know it i start to shake and try to find places to hide while grabbing up my children, who i really cant see clearly. hmp. now the banging is getting louder and im building a wall down the middle of the house cutting off the back from the front, working mind blowingly fast. i think i have a husband he must be near me somewhere holding the kids. just as im getting to the the last upper left corner i hear the man get through the door just as my youngest child throws herself into my arms. the mans upper body thrusts through the unfinished part of the wall and hes screaming. i start to tell him please i tried, i did what you asked please dont i have a family. he is still screaming when he shoots me in the head twice and then unloads into the room wildy. i dont lose consciousness, im on the floor, i dont feel my child moving. i look over and see a man in the floor near me. i blink and now we are all laying in the porch of this house. still bleeding, waiting to die. but now there is movement, everywhere. in the street facing the house cars are piling in parking. people are getting out, its almost like a party. directly across the street is my grandmothers house (in real life too) and i look for her. i feel dull pain all over and still, the tiny thing in my arm doesnt move. i see people coming out of my grandmas house, women who look mannish. short hair, cutoff sleeves, etc. i call to her, where is she i need help. please. im sleepy. finally i see an ambulance. a large man steps up to us. he says let me have her, i need to help her. and now im saying ive been stabbed. im so confused none of this makes sense. as im saying ive been stabbed i see the baby he pulls away from me, i thought she was older, shes tiny, with a hole dripping blood and gaping on her side. i start to scream. now my grandma walks up, dressed in a beautiful lace dress, stark white. shes laughing and she touches my hand and tells me to stand up. i say im hurt. shes says its not so bad. so i get up and walk to the ambulance. inside i see a small plastic tub full of blankets and what i think is my baby. the man says how old is she i say 1 to 2 years i dont know shes small. i look in the tub and start to reach for her but now shes not a baby shes a puppy. (??!!HUH??!!) i pet the puppy and see there is tape wrapped around parts of it body. i look down and see holes in mine. i start to pass out and wake up.
jose is telling me goodbye i love you text me.
and im left in bed wide eyed and breathing hard and reaching for where i think my spleen is.
woof.
THAT was fucking weird.
i honestly dont know.
gonna think it over today.
i cant even grab all of it.
i swear i was only asleep for an hour...
and here:
the part i can remember is the last part. but in the beginning im sure i faintly remember
-the ocean
-boats, HUGE boats, and a town floating out in the middle of nowhere
-a child bartender
-fish tanks full of goldfish
-jellyfish bites
the ending was a little more grounded, hah, i guess. i was in my first house here in san antonio, the house we moved in when we first got here when i was young. but now im a grown woman, much older than i am now i think. and i have children. (shudder) so i know ive been walking for the last few hours i feel memories, dream memories, of a campus of some kind, with alot of ivy. i also see a mans face, hes angry. im in the house now and i hear a banging on the front door its the man i know it i start to shake and try to find places to hide while grabbing up my children, who i really cant see clearly. hmp. now the banging is getting louder and im building a wall down the middle of the house cutting off the back from the front, working mind blowingly fast. i think i have a husband he must be near me somewhere holding the kids. just as im getting to the the last upper left corner i hear the man get through the door just as my youngest child throws herself into my arms. the mans upper body thrusts through the unfinished part of the wall and hes screaming. i start to tell him please i tried, i did what you asked please dont i have a family. he is still screaming when he shoots me in the head twice and then unloads into the room wildy. i dont lose consciousness, im on the floor, i dont feel my child moving. i look over and see a man in the floor near me. i blink and now we are all laying in the porch of this house. still bleeding, waiting to die. but now there is movement, everywhere. in the street facing the house cars are piling in parking. people are getting out, its almost like a party. directly across the street is my grandmothers house (in real life too) and i look for her. i feel dull pain all over and still, the tiny thing in my arm doesnt move. i see people coming out of my grandmas house, women who look mannish. short hair, cutoff sleeves, etc. i call to her, where is she i need help. please. im sleepy. finally i see an ambulance. a large man steps up to us. he says let me have her, i need to help her. and now im saying ive been stabbed. im so confused none of this makes sense. as im saying ive been stabbed i see the baby he pulls away from me, i thought she was older, shes tiny, with a hole dripping blood and gaping on her side. i start to scream. now my grandma walks up, dressed in a beautiful lace dress, stark white. shes laughing and she touches my hand and tells me to stand up. i say im hurt. shes says its not so bad. so i get up and walk to the ambulance. inside i see a small plastic tub full of blankets and what i think is my baby. the man says how old is she i say 1 to 2 years i dont know shes small. i look in the tub and start to reach for her but now shes not a baby shes a puppy. (??!!HUH??!!) i pet the puppy and see there is tape wrapped around parts of it body. i look down and see holes in mine. i start to pass out and wake up.
jose is telling me goodbye i love you text me.
and im left in bed wide eyed and breathing hard and reaching for where i think my spleen is.
woof.
THAT was fucking weird.
i honestly dont know.
gonna think it over today.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
and marty just stares at me
finally. day off.
psssh. like i don't have months off every year or anything. i am greedy when it comes to time.
i've been in a very good mood lately. think its because of the boy. i don't know what is different this time or why it's working all of a sudden but damn it i'm very much in love. hm. i'm thankful to have someone who takes care of me and loves me like him. it hasn't been easy by any means, i mean try having an angry bipolar artist/lazy bum for a girlfriend. i'm very complicated. and so is he. the beginning was crazy rocky. i left him for a while. but i couldn't not see him, i was connected already by then he was all i saw when i thought of love, holding hands, sex, and friendship. and now we have our little home, our dog, our life. and he brings balance. he brings happiness. he kisses me and tells me that im beautiful when im caught in manic anxiety or crying and useless in bed. he drags me outside, to parks, on walks with the dog, to his moms house, to dinner. he knows just how to make me feel whole, and productive. he encourages my art, says he is inspired by it. and i love watching him on his bike. he has a warm soul. and i love him. last night he said his love for me is like the universe - expanding endlessly. i was 14 again except this time i found the prince charming i never found then.
its all so nice.
strange.
now if only i could address my fear of other people. haha. he still gets confused when i kick and scream at the mention of shopping malls.
my new dog is amazing. marty. he is the coolest little dropped dog ever. i swear he has a voice like morgan freeman. and he is staring at me right now. we have been spoiling the living shit out of this creature, he eats like every hour. and he always tries to sneak into bed. sweetheart. he hates cats but i can get past that.
heh.
[i keep messing with the gaping hole in my mouth. gross]
it's been whirl windy. i swear i don't recognize me. i'm sure i'll be someone else tomorrow. but today is my day off so i'm easy.
time to watch nat geo with the dog.
psssh. like i don't have months off every year or anything. i am greedy when it comes to time.
i've been in a very good mood lately. think its because of the boy. i don't know what is different this time or why it's working all of a sudden but damn it i'm very much in love. hm. i'm thankful to have someone who takes care of me and loves me like him. it hasn't been easy by any means, i mean try having an angry bipolar artist/lazy bum for a girlfriend. i'm very complicated. and so is he. the beginning was crazy rocky. i left him for a while. but i couldn't not see him, i was connected already by then he was all i saw when i thought of love, holding hands, sex, and friendship. and now we have our little home, our dog, our life. and he brings balance. he brings happiness. he kisses me and tells me that im beautiful when im caught in manic anxiety or crying and useless in bed. he drags me outside, to parks, on walks with the dog, to his moms house, to dinner. he knows just how to make me feel whole, and productive. he encourages my art, says he is inspired by it. and i love watching him on his bike. he has a warm soul. and i love him. last night he said his love for me is like the universe - expanding endlessly. i was 14 again except this time i found the prince charming i never found then.
its all so nice.
strange.
now if only i could address my fear of other people. haha. he still gets confused when i kick and scream at the mention of shopping malls.
my new dog is amazing. marty. he is the coolest little dropped dog ever. i swear he has a voice like morgan freeman. and he is staring at me right now. we have been spoiling the living shit out of this creature, he eats like every hour. and he always tries to sneak into bed. sweetheart. he hates cats but i can get past that.
heh.
[i keep messing with the gaping hole in my mouth. gross]
it's been whirl windy. i swear i don't recognize me. i'm sure i'll be someone else tomorrow. but today is my day off so i'm easy.
time to watch nat geo with the dog.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
goodbye tooth, hello hole in head
last night i had an emergency extraction for a wicked tooth with a helluva cavity. i was in so much pain i was sure my head was gonna give birth to an elephant. instead this little guy came out with a nice young dentist grunting over pliers and his assistant holding my jaw while i tried not to laugh. after swallowing blood all night im feeling much better. the tooth misses me though. heh.
Friday, January 22, 2010
something something something and then i smacked it as hard as i could....
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Sunday, January 17, 2010
i just dont know
about all of this sometimes. today im all tears and frantic motions. hold it together. cant you breathe. huff huff huff huff. gasp.
im no good at talking to you face to face. im all quivers when i have to take a stand its too hard to deal with these adult situations its too much to tell you what youre doing wrong im too scared of all the repercussions im a coward ok? happy now?
and i ran away from there so fast i swear my shadow stayed behind.
its no one specific, its EVERYONE. every other breathing soft thing. ugh i kick myself when im safe at home, practicing what i should have said in the bathroom, saying you are 24 what the hell is this shit. youre so strong here what happens outside? and i stop and look at my own face in the mirror and the bewildered dog at my feet and sigh.
i need bed. and national geographic. and tea. and him.
goodnight internet.
im no good at talking to you face to face. im all quivers when i have to take a stand its too hard to deal with these adult situations its too much to tell you what youre doing wrong im too scared of all the repercussions im a coward ok? happy now?
and i ran away from there so fast i swear my shadow stayed behind.
its no one specific, its EVERYONE. every other breathing soft thing. ugh i kick myself when im safe at home, practicing what i should have said in the bathroom, saying you are 24 what the hell is this shit. youre so strong here what happens outside? and i stop and look at my own face in the mirror and the bewildered dog at my feet and sigh.
i need bed. and national geographic. and tea. and him.
goodnight internet.
Friday, January 15, 2010
why yes
i did notice its friday.
tales of destruction will be here soon.
do you have a guest bedroom?
fuck it, he'll sleep under my feet.
tales of destruction will be here soon.
do you have a guest bedroom?
fuck it, he'll sleep under my feet.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
dream, sleep erratic, cup a soup, and dogcouch
last night was pretty smooth going. fight club, actually getting picked up, advice on the highway, getting in late. the damn dog was on the couch again, i make a mental note to wash the covers, hes still up, he seems distant, i try not to think about it.
sleep came pretty easy.
dream:
its halloween. and im in a wheel chair. am i paralyzed? i can hardly tell im not moving much and if i am i cant feel it. we're by a huge indoor swimming pool with slides all around it. there are people everywhere, some are like me, in chairs, some stand. its a camp of some kind, for people with fear. i think. i wheel to the edge of the pool and look up. the slides around the edges are massive, so tall. and multi layered. people are sliding off of them at alarming speeds nearly meeting in air before crashing into the water. its almost beautiful. i hear crying to my right and see a man in a chair holding his face. i go to him and tell him its ok, ill go with you, well go to the top, well fly. so he follows me to the ladder and we have to pull ourselves up with only our arms. we finally get to the top and clamber onto the slide, i tell him im right here. were so high up, im a little dizzy. i see him go he tries to stop at the end he must be terrified but he falls over the edge less than gracefully and hes gone. i know i cant go back on a promise so i push off. towards the end i get scared and try to stop myself too. i lean over and look down, sweet jesus its far, no no no, but now i feel the whole slide tipping with me on it, and we fall. i get the flutter in the stomach and the water is coming and then black.
[i dont quite wake up]
now im in a school. again, full of people. in costume, they mill everywhere. i walk around looking at everyone. the costumes are great, the eggs from yoshis island, crazy monsters, ninjas, darwin. im getting a little panicked so i duck through a door to my left to get some peace and find myself tumbling off a 2 story ledge into a soft mound of cut grass outside. i shake myself off and stand up to look around. im at the side of the school, its massive [why is everything so BIG in this dream], at least 5 stories. im in a little side field that is full of bones. yep. bones. skeletons whole and in pieces lay all around me. crap i gotta get back inside so i start to make my way over the soft ground. i hear shifting behind me and look back. a skeleton is trying to stand. shit! im done. i start to run. i finally find a door back into the building and i run head first into dawnelle. shes trailing a group of boys behind her. shes says we have to get to the top. the library. well be safe there. animals and children live there. im confused. she drags me into a stairwell and we try to make our way up through the flow of people trying to get down. i tell everyone i can that the skeletons are coming to life. they laugh and say its halloween of course they are. finally we get to the top floor and manage to get through the door. the whole floor is open. no walls only bookshelves that only come up about 3 feet. there is a soft orange glow in the room, like sunset. animals of all kinds run through the aisles, and i see children playing games and reading in their costumes all about. dawnelle says look what i brought and i look at her in time to see her disappear through the door, grabbed and dragged out by hands grasping every part of her. i turn back to the room and now theres nothing. books lay open, fur clings to walls. and im alone.
i wake up.
and its fucking 3 o'clock in the afternoon.
fantastic.
i start work again tomorrow. gotta get out of this sleeping death state.
time to wash the dog. he smells terrible. maybe i can also hunt down a cigarette.
sleep came pretty easy.
dream:
its halloween. and im in a wheel chair. am i paralyzed? i can hardly tell im not moving much and if i am i cant feel it. we're by a huge indoor swimming pool with slides all around it. there are people everywhere, some are like me, in chairs, some stand. its a camp of some kind, for people with fear. i think. i wheel to the edge of the pool and look up. the slides around the edges are massive, so tall. and multi layered. people are sliding off of them at alarming speeds nearly meeting in air before crashing into the water. its almost beautiful. i hear crying to my right and see a man in a chair holding his face. i go to him and tell him its ok, ill go with you, well go to the top, well fly. so he follows me to the ladder and we have to pull ourselves up with only our arms. we finally get to the top and clamber onto the slide, i tell him im right here. were so high up, im a little dizzy. i see him go he tries to stop at the end he must be terrified but he falls over the edge less than gracefully and hes gone. i know i cant go back on a promise so i push off. towards the end i get scared and try to stop myself too. i lean over and look down, sweet jesus its far, no no no, but now i feel the whole slide tipping with me on it, and we fall. i get the flutter in the stomach and the water is coming and then black.
[i dont quite wake up]
now im in a school. again, full of people. in costume, they mill everywhere. i walk around looking at everyone. the costumes are great, the eggs from yoshis island, crazy monsters, ninjas, darwin. im getting a little panicked so i duck through a door to my left to get some peace and find myself tumbling off a 2 story ledge into a soft mound of cut grass outside. i shake myself off and stand up to look around. im at the side of the school, its massive [why is everything so BIG in this dream], at least 5 stories. im in a little side field that is full of bones. yep. bones. skeletons whole and in pieces lay all around me. crap i gotta get back inside so i start to make my way over the soft ground. i hear shifting behind me and look back. a skeleton is trying to stand. shit! im done. i start to run. i finally find a door back into the building and i run head first into dawnelle. shes trailing a group of boys behind her. shes says we have to get to the top. the library. well be safe there. animals and children live there. im confused. she drags me into a stairwell and we try to make our way up through the flow of people trying to get down. i tell everyone i can that the skeletons are coming to life. they laugh and say its halloween of course they are. finally we get to the top floor and manage to get through the door. the whole floor is open. no walls only bookshelves that only come up about 3 feet. there is a soft orange glow in the room, like sunset. animals of all kinds run through the aisles, and i see children playing games and reading in their costumes all about. dawnelle says look what i brought and i look at her in time to see her disappear through the door, grabbed and dragged out by hands grasping every part of her. i turn back to the room and now theres nothing. books lay open, fur clings to walls. and im alone.
i wake up.
and its fucking 3 o'clock in the afternoon.
fantastic.
i start work again tomorrow. gotta get out of this sleeping death state.
time to wash the dog. he smells terrible. maybe i can also hunt down a cigarette.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
strays, paintings (finally), and a dream
firstly ill get this to you. ive been meaning to share as it is. these are my most recent along with one of toms. (very talented) on the black one, jupiter complex, there have been additions and revisions but that will be posted later. so yea. go on.
PAINTINGS
last night was monday. right? think so. we went to the boys brothers house and had a pretty interesting conversation on the porch, all the while being accosted by neighborhood cats and small children. eventually it was getting down to pretty rough deep talk and me well i wasnt up for it. these people were strangers! i was curling up. we left. i felt like i had failed. all the gusto i had earlier in the day i was so ready to get out and talk to people and be just there. ehhh. bed and the late night tv curse were a little more appealing. i had the longest deepest dream ever.
so.
im definitely a boy. in the dream. ahem. im younger like 15. something is wrong, i think ive lost someone close to me. i have a little group of friends with me. were in this huge house massive mansion something. i hear voices in the other room so i follow them and my friends follow me. as i walk into this massive ballroom i see that the room is actually split down the middle by this shimmering wall almost like water. i walk up to it. people are standing in front of the wall and talking in hushed tones, hurried and a little upset. i see movement behind the moving surface and a girl appears. shes beautiful, blond tiny waist completely stylized but so very appealing. i reach through the surface and dont even think i just grab her and pull her through shes falling into my arms crying a little shes says im so happy to see you, i hate being stuck there and its all coming back to me. shes mine we are in love and totally and utterly cursed. shes banished from my world or some shit and im trying to get her back. but i think shes here now, ive got her and we kiss. shes so small and she smells amazing. but then she starts to scream my fingers! i look and her nails are falling off turning into dust. the tips of her hair blow away, shes buckling. i push her back through the surface and im flung into it too. she falls to the ground, back to normal, and i dont feel good. she pushes a flower into my hand then me back through the wall. we look at each other and she cries. she has bright purple eye makeup. it strikes me that theres no time to waste. a woman behind me tells me that im changing the future and she hands me a pile of books and sketch pads. me and my friends leave. were on a grassy hill. i get the feeling that everyone is leaving in my family, on a trip. i tell my friends we have the house to ourselves. we should go there, have a party.
[something fuzzy happens here..]
instead we end up on a roller coaster, trying to read the journals and pretending like detective work is this. when the coaster stops we hold open the book and i see names and lines and lines of writing, done neatly and in female hand. the lines all say the same thing - my name is ______. i cant quite read the name, its written a thousand times. the roller coaster starts up and i let go of the journal. in my head im thinking whats love anyway. ill find another. this is too hard.
[something else happens]
and i wake up to the boy kissing me goodbye.
confused and shaken, i demand to know what the hell my brain is thinking.
i always fall in love in my dream. and i cant ever stand straight after the ones that break my heart. this one was too real. ive never felt the want so deep. but at the end the seperation was too easy. and thats what scared me the most.
gotta try to salvage today. ill walk the dog for now.
PAINTINGS
last night was monday. right? think so. we went to the boys brothers house and had a pretty interesting conversation on the porch, all the while being accosted by neighborhood cats and small children. eventually it was getting down to pretty rough deep talk and me well i wasnt up for it. these people were strangers! i was curling up. we left. i felt like i had failed. all the gusto i had earlier in the day i was so ready to get out and talk to people and be just there. ehhh. bed and the late night tv curse were a little more appealing. i had the longest deepest dream ever.
so.
im definitely a boy. in the dream. ahem. im younger like 15. something is wrong, i think ive lost someone close to me. i have a little group of friends with me. were in this huge house massive mansion something. i hear voices in the other room so i follow them and my friends follow me. as i walk into this massive ballroom i see that the room is actually split down the middle by this shimmering wall almost like water. i walk up to it. people are standing in front of the wall and talking in hushed tones, hurried and a little upset. i see movement behind the moving surface and a girl appears. shes beautiful, blond tiny waist completely stylized but so very appealing. i reach through the surface and dont even think i just grab her and pull her through shes falling into my arms crying a little shes says im so happy to see you, i hate being stuck there and its all coming back to me. shes mine we are in love and totally and utterly cursed. shes banished from my world or some shit and im trying to get her back. but i think shes here now, ive got her and we kiss. shes so small and she smells amazing. but then she starts to scream my fingers! i look and her nails are falling off turning into dust. the tips of her hair blow away, shes buckling. i push her back through the surface and im flung into it too. she falls to the ground, back to normal, and i dont feel good. she pushes a flower into my hand then me back through the wall. we look at each other and she cries. she has bright purple eye makeup. it strikes me that theres no time to waste. a woman behind me tells me that im changing the future and she hands me a pile of books and sketch pads. me and my friends leave. were on a grassy hill. i get the feeling that everyone is leaving in my family, on a trip. i tell my friends we have the house to ourselves. we should go there, have a party.
[something fuzzy happens here..]
instead we end up on a roller coaster, trying to read the journals and pretending like detective work is this. when the coaster stops we hold open the book and i see names and lines and lines of writing, done neatly and in female hand. the lines all say the same thing - my name is ______. i cant quite read the name, its written a thousand times. the roller coaster starts up and i let go of the journal. in my head im thinking whats love anyway. ill find another. this is too hard.
[something else happens]
and i wake up to the boy kissing me goodbye.
confused and shaken, i demand to know what the hell my brain is thinking.
i always fall in love in my dream. and i cant ever stand straight after the ones that break my heart. this one was too real. ive never felt the want so deep. but at the end the seperation was too easy. and thats what scared me the most.
gotta try to salvage today. ill walk the dog for now.
Monday, January 11, 2010
strangers, grasping, cigarettes, and a need to make changes
sometimes i disappear.
usually its due to indifference, resignation, i dont see a need to participate when the crap of the world is in the air, thick and choking. its better to stay in, stay away from outlets, computers, radio, voices. i dive into books, i touch and i write on paper, real paper. i become obsessed with pens, i throw energy into physical altercations like fighting or sex. everything needs to be proven suddenly. the internet and television is too easy, it gives you the feeling the story the colors. real life is harder you have to go out and get it. so i venture out. finally after weeks of being locked in, and once im out im out. the car gets filled up i get in it and i call every number in my contacts trying to find an accomplice. someone please come with me. its lonely now, after all that pushing i need you finally, are you there. im on my way. its so strange some of my friends have the weirdest looks on their faces, like who are you? this smiling warm stranger, she swears she knows me but i dont remember the color of her hair or the ways her eyes dont hold mine. but her voice is clear now and she wants to pay for everything. i come in small bursts, flaming, burning. i feel the mood swings coming and try to ignore them. sometimes it works. after a time i wear out. i stop calling. stop moving. now your pulling me and im pushing back, its all so familiar. a strange cycle like seasons eating my brain. i swear its like sedation. i want to do things. i want to get on and talk to you but i cant find it in me. i think im coming out right now. the winter weather and the ice and the dog and all the sketches filling up and overflowing in my head its time to actually get things started again. and all the things i want to do cant wait. i dont have alot of time remember eventually the proverbial leaves will turn and the locks will click black and ill be in full fetal mode. but for right now im shaking off the sheets and getting a little excited. ive been away.
i need a cigarette and some paint and i need to get going already.
hm.
usually its due to indifference, resignation, i dont see a need to participate when the crap of the world is in the air, thick and choking. its better to stay in, stay away from outlets, computers, radio, voices. i dive into books, i touch and i write on paper, real paper. i become obsessed with pens, i throw energy into physical altercations like fighting or sex. everything needs to be proven suddenly. the internet and television is too easy, it gives you the feeling the story the colors. real life is harder you have to go out and get it. so i venture out. finally after weeks of being locked in, and once im out im out. the car gets filled up i get in it and i call every number in my contacts trying to find an accomplice. someone please come with me. its lonely now, after all that pushing i need you finally, are you there. im on my way. its so strange some of my friends have the weirdest looks on their faces, like who are you? this smiling warm stranger, she swears she knows me but i dont remember the color of her hair or the ways her eyes dont hold mine. but her voice is clear now and she wants to pay for everything. i come in small bursts, flaming, burning. i feel the mood swings coming and try to ignore them. sometimes it works. after a time i wear out. i stop calling. stop moving. now your pulling me and im pushing back, its all so familiar. a strange cycle like seasons eating my brain. i swear its like sedation. i want to do things. i want to get on and talk to you but i cant find it in me. i think im coming out right now. the winter weather and the ice and the dog and all the sketches filling up and overflowing in my head its time to actually get things started again. and all the things i want to do cant wait. i dont have alot of time remember eventually the proverbial leaves will turn and the locks will click black and ill be in full fetal mode. but for right now im shaking off the sheets and getting a little excited. ive been away.
i need a cigarette and some paint and i need to get going already.
hm.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
back.
im here again.
and this time im in a writing way.
ive had my nyquil and a beer and im ready for later to be here already so i can post those damn paintings and write your hearts out.
still be there.
are you?
and this time im in a writing way.
ive had my nyquil and a beer and im ready for later to be here already so i can post those damn paintings and write your hearts out.
still be there.
are you?
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
overload[ing]
woof, what a couple of weeks.
everything is packed in pretty tight. cracking almost.
i feel like ive been driving EVERYWHERE. my car is racking up miles and adjusting to having a person in her constantly. we know each other by touch now, she turns with a thought, and i feed her and feed her and feed her till my pockets rip and the gas station attendant knows my full name and social security number. its not a terrible thing. its the restless i need out now what are you doing oh you need a ride sure kinda thing i get when im feeling needy and anxious. my back is sore but ive learned that stopping just right is a back stretch inertia style. trips across town are always exciting. in case you dont know i am stephanie proud owner of a car but not of a license. (riding durty) breaking the law is easier when you have a car full of people and a city full of cops. vroom.
painting has been frustrating. ive been knocking out pieces but a week ago i stopped. the flow stopped. i have sketches and fancy tools i want to try out but my brain seems crippled under stress, or the coffee the constant coffee, or the fact that the insomnia is back. all night i watch law and order SVU and read and walk by the leaning canvasses and brushes but when i sit and set up and decide im going to do this it just fails. blah ive never been so frantic to just have an idea. but something in there tells me its all been done, and how creative can you be on an art budget not fit for a kindergarten class, etc. this better pass.... yes?
the boy i live with is an alien. hes the hardest person to understand in the entire world. ive never met someone who loves to be with me so much but hates to be around the people i know. he just clams up, closes down, pulls away and its a terrible feeling to watch him fail every first impression when it comes to the others i hold dear in my life. like a double life its just too much to cottle everyone. thats the overall feeling i guess when it comes to people right now. i mean friends are nice but seriously needy. more so than me. i find myself wandering through them week to week throwing myself around the city and calling and calling to schedule and confirm. im exhausted. and the days are far and few that i can just sit and have someone come to me. someone visit me here, and ask me how im doing. its not terrible work though, loving them. they are a great group. but i want to be needy too. im so good at it.
i miss my mom, she should come home already.
i really wish i had a small dog. like a weenie or a little orange terrier (hah like the one next door i sneak treats to) i need a cuddle buddy.
everything else is cake. right. no, its a massive overdose of what the fuck.
i just want to move to california, show my art in the city, live in the mountains, take a pretty girl as a lover and retire.
perfection. [want]
gotta go.
everything is packed in pretty tight. cracking almost.
i feel like ive been driving EVERYWHERE. my car is racking up miles and adjusting to having a person in her constantly. we know each other by touch now, she turns with a thought, and i feed her and feed her and feed her till my pockets rip and the gas station attendant knows my full name and social security number. its not a terrible thing. its the restless i need out now what are you doing oh you need a ride sure kinda thing i get when im feeling needy and anxious. my back is sore but ive learned that stopping just right is a back stretch inertia style. trips across town are always exciting. in case you dont know i am stephanie proud owner of a car but not of a license. (riding durty) breaking the law is easier when you have a car full of people and a city full of cops. vroom.
painting has been frustrating. ive been knocking out pieces but a week ago i stopped. the flow stopped. i have sketches and fancy tools i want to try out but my brain seems crippled under stress, or the coffee the constant coffee, or the fact that the insomnia is back. all night i watch law and order SVU and read and walk by the leaning canvasses and brushes but when i sit and set up and decide im going to do this it just fails. blah ive never been so frantic to just have an idea. but something in there tells me its all been done, and how creative can you be on an art budget not fit for a kindergarten class, etc. this better pass.... yes?
the boy i live with is an alien. hes the hardest person to understand in the entire world. ive never met someone who loves to be with me so much but hates to be around the people i know. he just clams up, closes down, pulls away and its a terrible feeling to watch him fail every first impression when it comes to the others i hold dear in my life. like a double life its just too much to cottle everyone. thats the overall feeling i guess when it comes to people right now. i mean friends are nice but seriously needy. more so than me. i find myself wandering through them week to week throwing myself around the city and calling and calling to schedule and confirm. im exhausted. and the days are far and few that i can just sit and have someone come to me. someone visit me here, and ask me how im doing. its not terrible work though, loving them. they are a great group. but i want to be needy too. im so good at it.
i miss my mom, she should come home already.
i really wish i had a small dog. like a weenie or a little orange terrier (hah like the one next door i sneak treats to) i need a cuddle buddy.
everything else is cake. right. no, its a massive overdose of what the fuck.
i just want to move to california, show my art in the city, live in the mountains, take a pretty girl as a lover and retire.
perfection. [want]
gotta go.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
dear joey
hey honey, its me again, big sister, confidante, stephanie.
happy birthday. today you would have been 23.
i miss you, duh. i think about you everyday.
ive written you four of these letters. funny it feels like you just left yesterday. i love you. being here and working through life and dealing with mom and dad is so much harder without you, and as strong as i was for you, im hardly that strong for myself. but im making it. im doing what i can. im still unsteady but at least im standing. i think about what it would be like had you stayed all the time. how different things would have been. but its tough to play with that in my head. in the end i just miss you terrible and deeply, and i make myself sad.
i know you wouldnt want that.
im scared sometimes. that ill wake up and it wont hurt though. that i wont remember your laugh, your face, or the way you talked. i dont want to forget the way you were soo ticklish and the look on your face when you were playing with the dogs or watching a movie. we did everything together i dont want to forget what that felt like. your friendship and your love. i dont have anyone to watch anymore. i want my little brother back.
i miss you sooo much. you cant know what this is like. and it been years since we said goodbye, even though we didnt, and time isnt helping the loss much. friends are sure, mom and dad crazy as they are help too, but its not you.
but i know you are in a better place and im sure you have alot to do up there.
i love you. i love you i love you.
happy birthday.
dont forget me.
always with you,
steph
happy birthday. today you would have been 23.
i miss you, duh. i think about you everyday.
ive written you four of these letters. funny it feels like you just left yesterday. i love you. being here and working through life and dealing with mom and dad is so much harder without you, and as strong as i was for you, im hardly that strong for myself. but im making it. im doing what i can. im still unsteady but at least im standing. i think about what it would be like had you stayed all the time. how different things would have been. but its tough to play with that in my head. in the end i just miss you terrible and deeply, and i make myself sad.
i know you wouldnt want that.
im scared sometimes. that ill wake up and it wont hurt though. that i wont remember your laugh, your face, or the way you talked. i dont want to forget the way you were soo ticklish and the look on your face when you were playing with the dogs or watching a movie. we did everything together i dont want to forget what that felt like. your friendship and your love. i dont have anyone to watch anymore. i want my little brother back.
i miss you sooo much. you cant know what this is like. and it been years since we said goodbye, even though we didnt, and time isnt helping the loss much. friends are sure, mom and dad crazy as they are help too, but its not you.
but i know you are in a better place and im sure you have alot to do up there.
i love you. i love you i love you.
happy birthday.
dont forget me.
always with you,
steph
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
there are so many opportunities
to fight oneself.
sometimes i catch myself. but most times i just go with it. heh. is there some kind of pull when it comes to violence, am i greedily eating up the the rush of this addiction? i think so.
im not scared.
its fun, sometimes.
im done with the social parts, maybe im through with the family aspect of friends. im fighting the urge to hole up and run away.
ill change opinions by the morning. im lost in an existential daze for the time being.
the soreness, the scratches, the bruises, the reminders.
back.
manic.
flowing.
away.
sometimes i catch myself. but most times i just go with it. heh. is there some kind of pull when it comes to violence, am i greedily eating up the the rush of this addiction? i think so.
im not scared.
its fun, sometimes.
im done with the social parts, maybe im through with the family aspect of friends. im fighting the urge to hole up and run away.
ill change opinions by the morning. im lost in an existential daze for the time being.
the soreness, the scratches, the bruises, the reminders.
back.
manic.
flowing.
away.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
in an moment
i lost myself.
im pretty sure i just slapped someone in the face.
closed doors.
locked them.
and i dont care.
im pretty sure i just slapped someone in the face.
closed doors.
locked them.
and i dont care.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
me again
the lost angry simple stand alone girl you always loved to watch crash.
im too tired for this.
but it doesnt seem to click.
doesnt come to the surface.
im gonna give you everything. since after all its nothing.
right?
im too tired for this.
but it doesnt seem to click.
doesnt come to the surface.
im gonna give you everything. since after all its nothing.
right?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
