i know

what i am.

the things i miss

are many. a lot of it is people, sure. some are dreams. some places. hidden and warm. i yearn so much more for the past than the present. mostly because i can remember good feelings, passion, excitement. the future only seems to bring pain, anger. i don't want to continue, i would much rather run back, and hide in the soft crevasses of the familiar. been there done that is not a bad thing to me. i wish life was choice instead of constant forward movement.
but then i wish a lot of things. and somehow the opposite happens.

sooo it's the new year. and i can't really tell you how i'm feeling. i've been reading the old blogs and i miss that person. that girl who seemed so effortless and careless, winning and running and singing and dancing, oh so much dancing. i miss the person i used to be. and i would like to go there again. all the recent painting has really inspired me to be thing i want. i feel like lately i've been shelled up, cold, introverted.

time to make a change i think. maybe i'll grow my hair. maybe i won't stop smoking. i am pretty tired of expecting things, and willing things and trying to be good, when nothing i do is met with reward. i've always been happier with a taste of destruction.

we'll see how it goes i guess.

cheers. read up next year.

brain vacay

i feel... pretty numb. which is lovely.

there really is nothing i want more, if i could stay like this forever i would embrace it. its this, or the rage, the sadness, the desperation. all that fun stuff. all those old friends.
[hello guys, yes i remember ya'll. sure invade my head and body. its all good. im sure you remember where everything is.]
whatever, being dramatic is a neat little distraction.

alone in other people's houses [caff version 2.0]

the world resumed. im catching up.

sneaking around this room and house, i think about time. time has been creeping. usually by now its oh snap hello 2012 and im thinking oh shit i dont have time to prepare for the apocalypse. usually its been years and ive been in a coma lost in drink fallen in and out of relationships and somehow in another home. changes. they slip by me. really i dont care enough to pay attention. usually i can be ok with this. ive had a lot of time to think about things. and boy oh boy there has been a lot to think about. in between cigarette cravings and coffee breaks i embrace the trigger. fall back to the day, when i sat clutching my chest, grabbing blindly for his hand, and walking upstairs to grow old in 45 minutes. there is always a trigger.
here i pause and wipe dust from this computer screen. turn to the tv, think about the other universe/dimension where this is not what im doing. where this person is me but not me. maybe i have long hair, maybe i dont have freckles, maybe i dont have this dull nagging pain in my lower stomach. maybe im talking to her right now. its hard to convince yourself that insanity is bad, when you can grab the world and shake it there, change it, find what you need and without hesitating you can give in. crazy people, really crazy people blink in and out of reality. maybe im jealous. maybe im done with all this stability. for all 7 months i had it, it was all for nothing. maybe. i dont know. this may just be one of my not so good days. the other night the boy i love leaned me against a car and begged me to come back, wake up, realize that all is not lost and for the life of me i couldnt even nod. i looked up into his face and wanted to be asleep. still with him, but not really.
there is so much to live for. so much to stay for. i just have to hold onto those things. its been exactly 20 days. maybe its just too early.
you dont want to be a crazy person steph. with your luck youll end up one of those trapped in their head in a little room with windows and no doors. womp.
i laugh, i touch, i talk, i sleep, and i have goals.
that cant be as bad as it feels, i cant be guilty for living for the rest of my life. she would probably be frustrated, watching me run in circles and talking myself out of things. i just wish i could hear her voice... just once.
aaaahhh impossible things we need so deeply. impossible.
up and down, this blog is brain vomit.
i need to finish cleaning.
need to move.
pfffffff........ thanks monday.

need

i have much of it.

when does everything stop hurting, for real.

i need so much for a few quiet moments. but there is so much static and crackling im sure its too late. must have missed the window.

and the world started to break apart

everything hurts. i need to do this. writing has always created something special in me, maybe taken away from the physical social thing, but something.
but right now im not sure, im not sure what will help.
im shaking loose, my mind is literally falling out of my eyes and nose, my heart... my poor fucking heart is beating a thousand times per second, too hard too fast. i went into the hospital last thurs day via an ambulance, excited and a little scared. water broken, pain coming, baby coming. i was praying on the hightway, EMTs talking to the back of my head. i thought everything was going to be ok. now. im at my sisters house. and i dont have a baby. i have a crooked painful cut on my stomach staples marching downward, i have a sore back, i have a hysterectomy, i have a cracked mind. i have a bag full of tiny blankets, knitted tiny beanies, tiny shoes, tiny everything. and still i have nothing. my arms have nothing.
my baby was tiny. she was barely there. she was mostly tubes, laying in a plastic box. and everything was wrong.
the doctors said she was sick. alot of words, but once he said the word 'fatal' i shut down. i reached for her fathers hands and let go of whatever sanity and hope i had left.
these things happen in the world everyday. but i dont care or give a crap about that. the things i would say to someone if the situation was reversed are meaningless. they bounce off me. the hole in my chest doesnt want to be filled. im so angry. my family calls and i dont answer. i dont want them to be sad for me or offer comfort. its almost like the nails waiting for me to decide im ready to start in with the hammer. it would be a tiny coffin. i dont think im ever going to be ready. i had a daughter, me, i was so ready for this little girl. my whole being was being poured into her growth, her happiness.. her life. and i had her for 5 days.
i honestly dont know what to do.
i try to go out, and i wake up heavy with guilt.
when i laugh something twitches as if to say, thats not fair.
i kiss my man and i think about what it would have been like to giggle with her about boys.
i repeat, everything hurts.
grief is a funny thing. sadness, anger, and other steps that seem much less prominent or important right now. i want my friends to be there, but i feel like a burden, a crying mess, a wreck.
nothing is working right. losing a child was not in my plans, my life has been this feeling over and over and ill be honest im fucking tired. i cant lose anyone else! where is the lesson? what was i supposed to learn? that i am strong enough to take my tiny baby off life support, let her father hold her while she died, wait in a little well decorated room for the nurse to bring her in after, so i could actually hold her? i wanted to feel her warmth, smell her skin, talk to her so she would look at me. not hold a small dead child wrapped in beautiful blankets and stumble through a cracked and difficult goodbye. this wasnt fair this wasnt fair this wasnt fair. oh, and they took my uterus too so i cant ever carry a child again mid C section? awesome, whats the lesson there? that i should buy some slamming jeans? my baby and my chances to do it again are basically gone. my sister tells me she'll carry my future children, but i miss my stomach, looking down and touching it, looking funny but womanly in my clothes.
fuck. this is something else man. i tell you im just not sure what happened.
pouring out feels better. i need it, since i cant really talk to people right now. the small group im hiding in, well they protect me, watch me, love me. but i want to sneak away and punch something, draw blood, scream.
psh. for now all i can do is write this and chug coffee. her blanket is here, i touch it often. it smells like the hospital, i wish it would hold the smell forever.

i miss you, baby. Alastair. piece of me.

back to the chaos. a little lighter though, thankfully.

the efforts

I'm laying in bed with my cell phone pouring data and my brain is flying. Everything is too fast right now. Why can't I just take a pause and settle in some sweet quiet black for a while? I want it. Please?

probably

i am crawling out of my skin.

adjusting? resigning?

i dont know. im just plain annoyed with myself.
i cant entertain, help, support, or do anything for myself.

i almost want to have the baby, sign some papers, walk out alone and crawl into a cardboard box to sleep off the next 20 years.

a serious though never happens when despair settles in first.

waiting, mostly

i need to get back to this.
everything seems steady. moving. soft. stable.
im waiting for this little flutter to become a person. 6 months now and i feel tired, huge, and womanly. but im still stressed.
money, time constraints, decisions, blurs on an ultrasound.
how much can one brain stand?
creeping around the house, alone most times, thinking. thats never been a good combination. for me.

make it.

im trying.

miss

ive made a few wrong decisions down the line, alot of them staring me in the face, ghosts back to remind me forever. but ive learned to ignore them mostly. maybe im not interested in lessons.
but this time around im a little shell shocked. i chose wrong, way wrong. i let the voices of others kill something and mix anger and i stormed out on the thing i want now more than ever. people dont usually get to me like this, its been years since the last time. im concerned. maybe ill get over it, but as with all human relationships pertaining to me i dont give it time to heal, i dont want to know what it would be like if i got over it i just want it back, and its burning in my head. wait wait wait i DID give it time, i gave it space, i ran away for months, moved, got involved elsewhere, and fuck - got pregnant - so i mean, that is time, that is distance, and while it is also blatant masochism without the shiny razors its evidence. i tried. true, when he came back and smiled at me i decided right there i had given up on fighting but i was sure, ready for, convinced that i had a life of single mom, no time for dating, time to focus joy ahead of me. he tells me the belly breaks his heart, that he loves me. but i hear whats underneath. he doesnt want me anymore and im sure i can be ok with that. i just miss my old life. everyday. i love my baby, and im sure when i see it nothing will matter but him/her. and all this maybe doesnt have anything to do with a person, maybe alot this is just the endless amount of lonely i have inside of me. burning. the disappointing result of my last relationship, the let down. the anger. i just need something. i swear at one time there were men on this planet. not the playthings and boys i see today. there has to be hope for the women out there.
even the broken ones like me. doing this alone is breaking my heart. as not to say i dont have friends, wonderful friends, who take care of me night and day. but its a different feeling when someone kisses you, runs his hands through your hair and down your face and says im here, go to sleep.
eeeeh enough of this.

i find comfort

in the arms of people.

i swear i get rushes, blood to the head, woozy stints of yes this is perfect when i feel needed, wanted and desired.
the lows disappear.
its like im high.
and right now its the necessary.

uncomfortable silences

generally awkward, i tend to stay away from situations that make me uncomfortable. this leads to lack of closure in fighting instances, people think i dont care, and sometimes i forget who my family is. i just dont like it when my heart beats that hard, when i cant breathe, when i get the twitches in my chest.
and these people come in and out.
reminding me im a coward.

slow

the days blur.

brainismushhandsarereaching

self pressure

i see myself differently today. lately ive been feeling frantic and burdening. today i wake from dreams full of houses, guns, my grandmother, and hamburgers and i am absolutely IN LOVE with my mind. wired. on fire. the days that i can remember the details...
those are the few times i can appreciate the way i tick.
i go through old pictures, see all the art that i made, created with my own hands on the walls of my old houses. ive since given them away, i never ask for payment, i only ask they hang, proud and strong in someone elses space. parts of me. still, i miss them like children. their texture, their feeling, the colors.
i know that there is a person worth saving in here.
its just.
i bend to people. they look at me and i get anxious and guilty. sometimes for no reason.
i wish i could live in dreams. live in paint. go away and stay in a room that only i know about. (heh thought of harry potter)

maybe today is the day, where one of my mini empowerment phases where i am strong and sure begins. i hope so. im tired of being sad. i love it so, yes, but its exhausting.

well see.

baby carrots and the familiar feeling

it feels like the same thing all the time right? like i live in circles, like i could never learn. ive tried to come to terms. all the times i maybe could have changed course and of course chose the blackout bruising hard way. the only thing that really changes is the people. they blink in and out. sometimes they wander into my path, unaware. they get drawn in, blinded, fucked maybe, drunk usually, angry most times. sometimes they stay, whether or not its for the best, their best, is usually not important. these are the ones i want the most. need maybe. they are complex unnatural friends, who i hurt repeatedly, love deeply, and get the most invested in. it grays sometimes, this category and the lovers category. some of these are the same thing though. its all very complicated and intricate. everyone has a place. i think. sometimes im so sure that its all been planned. like somehow im two people and one side is the planner and only that, she gets up while the majority of me is sleeping and adjusts things slightly in my life, putting people into crannies in my head, setting up the situation for pass or fail or fights or sex or dinner or.. you get it.
i really have no idea.
losing people is something ive come to know. whether its death or the huge blowout at the end of the passionate whirlwind of a friendship/relationship. but i dont like losing the foundations. im not giving them an official name or anything but thats just what they are, foundations. i only really have maybe 4 people who fit this. 2 of which are extremely important. necessary, even. after losing my brother i latched onto them fiercely. but its never been easy. apparently im a pretty big basket case. the bipolar tears through me and i go red in all aspects. i get it alot. i try to explain it, to doctors, to family, to my friends. its hard for them to understand what it is like to have to endure these bouts with rage, lust, indifference, and masochism. i change and i cant fight it. most times its rushing and overwhelming. i want this or that now, and i dont care about feelings, repercussions, or safety. i get hysterical and aggressive, sometimes quiet and withdrawn, seething with passive aggressive tendencies. i mean what kind of a person sits and thinks about how she can sneak injuries onto parts of her skin that she hasnt gotten to yet. i change moods so often i swear im in fog most of the day. i see myself being an asshole but i cant break out.
but still. im completely human. i need things. i feel neglected when i am. and on top of all this ive been going through for over a decade, now im fucking pregnant. im tired of hearing about my fucking hormones, tired of everyone waving me off as BITCHY. i am SCARED. i may have bipolar, but lately the baby has been calming it. now for the other gleam in my eyes, the one that gives bite to my words, thats the wonderful glint of quiet desperation that only a woman having a baby when she has nothing but a man that wont step up to his responsibilities could have. im struggling to see the good parts. the up side as they call it. my friends are good to me. the close ones. buying me food, letting me stay in their homes. but i sit and watch them work for their money, go out and get drunk and come back laughing, not have to worry about taking care of something that is loved but wasnt planned. it hurts. im jealous. and its tearing apart my relationships. i finally got to go out for 45 minutes this last friday. but it was rushed, they drank and smoked on a bar patio most of the time while i sat feet away. then apparently the friends i met up with deserved to be bashed. it was shit. so we went home and they left to a bar. im sorry but i was not happy. the weekend fell apart in my hands but again i was bitchy, cranky, impossible. it is always my fault. im so frustrated. even now after ive sent out apologies that im not sure were deserved no one is asking what is wrong.
what do i do?
i want to go back.
i want my old life back.
im terrified and sad all the time again, the dark wants me because it knows im vulnerable. it tells me werent you happy with me stephanie? the cutting felt so good, crying helps, dark rooms. they dont understand you. you burden these people. they WILL get tired of your shit. they may be too polite to tell you. but you have nothing to give them and they give you everything. useless girl. carrying something you wont ever be able to take care of. are you happy? of course not. come here.

im not sure ill say no.

ive always been so comfortable being unhappy.

fuck.

dreams, silence, home alone mostly, nothing

living for bright beams of friends i havent seen in a while, i run into their arms as i smile too wide, compliment recklessly, and linger at goodbyes.
its like i had a life ages ago.
im sure i did.
there had to be times out in the "country" where we had a home and people filled it often. drinks, smoke in the air, games, sex, long long talks, and support.
it feels like forever ago. i feel so different now......... [empty stare]

[daze]

i shake this out of my head and look over at the hot cheetohs and lemon to my left.

tonight, i'll take heartburn over deep thought.

yeah.

blood like oil

what is this, slow motion? everything feels dripping slow now.
its the point when i need the answers, your answers, his answers, facts, comforts, knowledge, give it to me why are you being so difficult when are the tests due back oh i could just fucking PUNCH something. its enraging.
finally im ready for it to be given straight as they say and now im dancing out of tune with nothing solid. holding myself up. fingers slipping through fog. there are few things real right now. i have two people beside me, one little person inside of me and 3 pets who mostly sleep and eat all day. i have no assets, nothing of my own to speak of spare random thrift store baubles, shoeboxes full of makeup, bobby pins, and plastic dinosaurs, and hair.
im far from derelict but im tripping ever closer. if it wasnt for the two angels i have protecting me on the weekends i might have already jumped texas and disappeared into unsolved mysteries status. i probably wouldnt care.
its so hard to think of others. that dark part of my brain twitches and im convinced im better off.
i could SWEAR i dont care.
[burning out inside]
its the point, you see.
i need to know, i need answers. remember. but at this point its mostly realization. that i may have to raise a child alone. that i have no job. that i can paint, but really i cant afford to anymore. that this was supposed to make me feel taken care of. but now i only fear for myself and my tiny parasite.
people like me never win the lottery, we get struck by lightning.
how long can i live in their homes before my angels throw up their hands and say snap the fuck out of it.
i feel a little useless today, that may be all.
its happened before.
ill surface soon.


right.

poster child. (it's not desired)

i am trying to be excited again.

there just never seems to be enough time. we live for a short spark, then it is curtains for the single human. must be why we are always fussing, kissing, dancing, studying, fighting, making sharp stabbing attempts at loving.

maybe its because ive done too much in my 25 years. i mustve seen the end, a flag waving in the distance marking pencils down, when i was young. so i fell into hurricane. even my parents helped. foreign countries, living in a jungle, exorcisms, strange ice cream, then here. america. school, books, adventures over canyons, nintendo, boys, girls, running away, cutting, death, despair, joy, bloody knuckles. all of it jut swirling together to where i can barely pick it apart now.

its all stopped. its all behind me. ive done so much for myself. taken so much from others. demanded it. sure the boys in that department have left me wanting, empty. but its only a slightly annoying afterthought. boys. pssh. everything else has been a hell of a ride.

now. i have something else to live for. even though its precarious and i could lose it at any time. i hold onto the bond already formed.

i just want it to make it. want the little heart to keep beating so i can put all the experience and hurt and happy to good use.

i would make a wonderful mother i think.

i guess we'll have to wait and see.

admission

this year has become a listing. a series of events. several colors. unexpected. the usual up and down broken by an attempt to change, creativity faltering around tiny pink cased heavy metals, and im used up, quiet, awake.

i write it all out and delete it.

a list

-i checked myself into a clinic this year. the bipolar cannot win. they put me on lithium. im not taking it anymore. i know, i know.
-my engagement falling apart led me to jaymes. im on board. i hope he can manage to keep up. i kick. and i am damaged in ways that cannot be undone or understood.
-this year made me believe that shit can happen for a reason. maybe the chaotic twirling i had imagined was just me trying to make excuses for a life im not in control of.
-politics have been making me sick.
-i quit smoking. im serious.
-i have a really good reason for the last line.
-i am still exhausted. i cant keep my eyes open, i want bed all the time.
-i stopped then started painting again.
-i miss blogging.

-cupcakes?




bear with me.


rebooting in process.



growth expected.



hearty handshake.

this maybe is real

what a terrifying few months.

im ok. no worries. well some worries. high fives? no no no, not yet.

ugh i cant tell you yet. stop asking.

ill be back soon.

out of sight

im a little lost, always jealous, fighting crime in my brains, nothing without a touch, friendly when i hate you, vicious when i love you, writing a book, hugging myself, single, fighting, crying, failing like my kidneys, going to work almost all the time, light headed.

ive tried several times.

just cant come back to this yet. state of down commences. these periods where i disappear. take everything and leave merely scent. and come back and expect you to have died a little without me. sigh.

particles in the air, and still i can breathe around them.

alone in other peoples houses

i never quite feel right. here, in their things, in their rooms. trying to pretend they are mine. i dont eat, dont touch anything. hide in my blankets, in a room we made haphazardly. the tiny space full of our smell, and my dog sitting in the middle saying with a cocked head, "and just where are we?". we had to flee our home because of worthless people. i hate this feeling, its like weve given up. its like they won. and it makes me a bunch of different feelings at the same time. too much. this week was almost too much. there were happy points sure, there were times when it was all ok. but then at night the tv clicks off by itself and im in the dark eyes wide and questioning the whole fucked up puppet show of this vacation. he tells me to just forget about it, move on, look at my ring, know that he loves me, and i do. i do. but people in the world other than those in our warm inner circle scare me more than monsters, more than cockroaches, more than death. they bite and yell, they snatch things and break windows, they are always looking cockeyed at the others shaping and sizing them up, comparing the faults, feeling superior. i hate them. they smell like sulfur and expensive perfume, oils, tar, and slick greasy charm. i have panic attacks. i have to struggle to breath. lately ive been indoors almost constantly. i live to see small bursts of night and friends that dont have aggression in their voices. but im a little misguided in thinking that this will stay. i cant just ignore all the things that i feel. the fear is bad now, ive fed it and let it grow. the cutting i thought it was over i hoped it was but even when im strong im weak. my love for this person he sleeps next to me, he holds me when im screaming or crying or punching, i want it to stay. but the little backwards doubt i have is enough to make me hate my brain. all these things are constant, over the years ive been fooled into thinking this meant they were comfort. breaking from this has been a battle. too many pills and cold toned doctors have told me i am too sick to be normal. but ive been doing well. ive been working hard. im sure i can make it through this dark part, i have before. yea? he holds my hand. my dog kicks in his sleep. the peoples court comes on. i have paints. i have parents. i have a roof. i have everything i need.
right here. just breathe, woman. its ok. its ok. its ok.

yes

the last few days:

-i went out with friends and had some strange talks.
-my car got stolen.
-i've gotten into a screaming drag out fist throwing fight.
-i've been given an engagement ring.
-i accepted said ring.
-the police found my car.
-im moving.
-im warm.
-i'll catch up later.

heathens to heroes (almost yelling)

its the American way. my face burns hot with embarrassment and disbelief. how people can think they are being brave and heroic when all they are is ignorant, stupid, shameless. you fail and you need someone to blame. you fail, sorry tough luck, you know what? stop complaining and get of your fucking ass and get moving again. dont point fingers and cry foul! DONT CRASH PLANES INTO FUCKING BUILDINGS. and you, you filthy idiots squealing and writhing, fans of all this, throwing up fan pages around the pain and burning. you are the worst of all. at least the man in the plane is dead, but we still have to live in the same country and i dont know how i feel about that. seriously, how could you make this a GOOD thing? how could you make this sick man a HERO? like i said, anarchy is high school, wearing black, the world is against you, youre too young to take care of yourself, its ok to be so off base. but we are grown now. we are part of this, cogs in a country that we need, we are supposed to be smart, quick, educated, free. we should be rational and fair. we should know better than this. and yes i understand there is a percentage of retardation but just cause your mom smoked a little rock while you were in the womb doesnt excuse your dim witted half assed yells in support of something that is setting us back so far in our attempt to be taken seriously.

i am so baffled.

almost laughing.

this is ridiculous.

gotta get out of here.

shut up

honestly i get it, everyone can talk, can have an opinion, we have rights here and it is a blessing blah blah blah.
but for fucks sake why do we let the people we know are reaching for fame, straining for a camera, just trying to keep a wary and sometimes too dramatic existence going. get up there and get their word in?

ok ill start with peta. and you know what i dont respect peta. some of you are going to say hey they save animals they fight for their rights and so on, and you know what ill laugh in your face. a few years ago when i was young they were nothing more than COOL. they had t shirts and flyers and sad videos on the internet. and i went veg i paid dues, i picketed in front of labs, the whole nine yards. THEN they started drowning puppies in sewage, they started recording videos that were peta members killing animals on farms, to gain sympathy, they started "losing money". i was heartbroken but realized yes this is America everything is a business. and i moved on. so when these two women disrupt the Westminster dog show i smile a little and wonder what the hell these people are thinking. signs that say "Mutts rule" and "Purebreds kill shelter Dogs" flash for a second then the women are escorted out. i stop and think wait, all through this incredible dog show ive see tons of commercials singing praises of shelter dogs, heart wrenching tear jerking little dogs looking out from bars while the announcer says "i am strong i am wise you dont need to feel sorry for me you need to adopt me." my own dog is rescued, hes the light of my life, i love to watch these shows to see the exotic and the working, the purest of dogs, they are really amazing to see, and its a show of all the hard work and dedication the people who show t hem have. they love these dogs, they care for them immensely and all because they can. they should be able to show them. its like cars and horses. and the show took every opportunity to call back on the dogs that are lost and in need of homes, they were sponsored by several companies that send proceeds to shelters. so come on peta. fucking chill out. and try to fix your company so you dont need the publicity stunts and you can actually do some good instead of being just another blip in the news the next day.

and you sarah palin. all i really want to say to you is shut up. you are the title track of this blog. who do you think you are that you think you have all this pull? if you dont like family guy DON'T WATCH IT. you must already know they dont give a shit at fox and yea theyre gonna take shots at you all they can, after all its hilarious. and youre an easy target. but your just making it worse. all you do is BITCH, my god! why cant you read more? no, cause then there would be a book burning probably. shit. im out of ideas. its just, we GET that you have a disabled son. and we are sorry. even those of us who hate your politics. i had a disabled brother who got shot by cops. he was charged with attempted capital murder when he shot a bebe gun at cops in a rage due to huntingtons. he went to jail. why dont you do some good and stop focusing on comedy media and start with that? help us that have had family with disability and and have had horrible prejudice forced upon us, for we are helpless in ourselves. we're just people. by some grace you have gained power god knows how, but you could do some good sarah, and if you are really passionate about the cause you could really help us. dont waste your time on THIS. seriously.


im in a way today. i just want everyone to be content for once. i know there is bad shit. i know there are things you dont agree with i am the same way. i feel it all the time. but why waste all this breath and energy to complain when you could be doing something about it or focusing on real issues. you cant depend on the masses to help you. if its your belief your passion to make change youll find a way. it just doesnt have to be a tantrum or a petulant whining.

work, being on an island (in a sense), and austrians

mmmm ice cream for breakfast.


all day yesterday i thought about people in psych wards. i couldnt help it and i actually think of them everyday as i speak to them everyday. i mean, i understand the need for communication to be available to all peoples but kick me in the face if i dont agree with putting pay phones in those places. their voices hurt me. and they call all day over and over again most times to the same numbers and almost always hitting a dead end. answering machine, someone picking up the phone and immediately hanging up, disconnect messages. i have their names, our repeat offenders, in my head. i remember what i saw when i was in one of those places, state hospitals, mental and behavioral health wings, and i shiver a little and my heart breaks a little for these people that dont seem to understand that no one wants to talk to them and no no im sorry i cant try another number for you. isnt it only hurting them to give them a chance to be rejected so many times in one day? they should just regulate a phone call during a checkup or individual therapy. but i think thats a privilege set aside for more lucid and stable people. when i was at san antonio state the nurse let me use her cell phone and sneak a cigarette telling me, youre not retarded like the rest, you just cut yourself, your basically normal, right? nice to know these people watch the lost. but i kept my mouth closed and called my dad to come get me as soon as fucking possible. its terribly screwed up, the joke of the mind and body that is mental disorder and handicap. these people are prisoners in their own skin, they become more like pets you see on the ghetto side of town - on a short leash with food and water bowls tossed in, not deadly enough to be put down but not safe enough to be let loose in the yard. i gotta stop thinking about this.

i committed a somewhat crime the other day. we were driving through the side of town you roll up your windows in and i saw this little dachshund walking around by itself. it was too thin and it didnt have a collar. so using some bill millers and the interesting driving of joses sister i stole the dog. im pretty sure it didnt belong to anyone but if it did shame on those people for letting the little guy nearly starve to death. :/ marty loved him but he was a handful so mom and dad took him to use as a little indoor alarm system, haha. and we named him maximum damage panchito. i would do it again too. i hate it when people dont take the responsibility of taking care of a pet seriously. they need us.


my uncle was in town this weekend. he is couch surfing with a group of austrians and they are breezing through texas. so sat night we all went out and hit downtown. it was fun, freezing, and blurry at the end. the whole group of us walking the city was a nice getaway from the hermit style ive adapted. getting OUT and talking with new faces, laughing and yes getting absolutely shit faced was amazing. thomas took a shining to one of the austrian girls and struck out, bg and jose played a game of pool with a random shark and won, dawnelle said something in german that made the whole austrian group yell and throw up their hands (im a little bitch, i think, hah) and then we came back to our house and talked government, queer culture, travel, how cute the euro is, and what time the bars close over there. plus catching up with mike (uncle) was nice too. i feel like im not close enough to my family. ive been doing the pulling thing too long now. anyway i think we decided that me and dawnelle are gonna couch surf europe and totally stop over in austria to visit our new friends. i think one of them likes her, hah. but yea im thinking this is a long term goal. haha. its a daunting and scary task you really have to prepare for to go to another country with just your best girl. anyway sat was interesting. the only bad part was waking up the next day feeling like a piece of beef jerky that had been eaten and pooped out again by a rabid mountain lion. yay.

i have been dreaming. ALOT. thing is i remember them for ten minutes, then try to walk through to write them down and they leave. its been MADDENING. i dont know why this is happening. it makes me feel normal and useless. harumph.



woof, what a weekend. im exhausted.

smoke signals

wellllll, no mas cell phone.

i woke up and reached for her this morning, to check my twitter, to see who needs me, to tell someone i need them, to click away. let it ring. talk.

and she wasn't there.


i suppose i'll manage.

hard to explain

woof, i just woke up in a semi frenzy. what a weird ass dream, im sure i thought i was drunk and suffocating at the end there, even though i went for a run last night, drank water and tried to lay down as early as i could (2am). its like my body and mind love the chaos. they have tasted it and they miss it as far as they are concerned im a boring fuck and a little terrifying stimulation wont hurt anybody.

i swear my hands are shaking.

last night:

so im living in a huge house. its massive and it actually breaks into a courtyard in the center so its more of a complex maybe than a whole house. i live with ivan and sep and they have a massive wing to themselves that opens to the living room. the house is full of furniture from my life, the dark tall entertainment center that i used to love when i was young, the couches, tiny glass things on every shelf. im wandering through the house and its pieces of all my other houses ive ever lived in, the Philippines, san diego, here in san antonio. im touching everything. these things, these houses play deep resonating roles in the massive chain of events that made me stephanie so i take in every detail and laugh at the red and black shag carpet under my feet. (we got that here in our first house in texas) i come to ivans room and walk in its more of a large closet and its wall are like a drug store, full of makeup, creams, powders and cotten balls. i browse. im reaching for a bottle of pills when i hear movement outside, i ignore it and open the bottle. the pills are multicolored and multishaped, they are beautiful like little jewels and they smell like berries. they are vitamins? pain pills? diet pills? i cant read the label, i pour some of them into my hand and look at them closely, tiny powdery horses, glittery hearts that are anatomically correct, blue babies with umbilical cords still attached, yellow regular vicodan shapes. im about to try a fist full when ivan appears at the door, i stutter that i was just looking for some foundation and as im walking out he takes the bottle from my hands and gently tells me these are poison. like i am a small child. i flee.

[parts missing fuzzy frustrating]
-somewhere in here there was a grassy hill and a college campus and then an east side vacant lot. i cant grab it.
-there was also a part where we bring my grandmother a bright red picnic table and we sit and talk with her. her two dogs are tied up to a fence near us and i notice they arent barking. i look closely and their mouths are sealed shut. they are deathly thin. i want to cry.

finally i come back into full remembering with me and thomas going to a digital strip club. the women are not real they are like video game women. there is a massive stage and the girls crawl all over it. at one point they shut off the music and i slow dance on the stage with ha bountiful red head. she sighs and puts her head on my shoulder and i feel her thighs on mine and yes i am turned on but then i smell plastic and smoke and i remember shes not a real woman so i walk from her and she starts to yell at me, but it sounds like autotune and i run out the door. now i feel drunk im swaying on my feet and im in an alley. im slammed from behind by a familiar face - jaymes - hes standing there a little breathless and he shakes a bottle in my face and says,
"wake up! you were waiting for me then?"
and i say, "no i just knew you'd show up, where are we going?"
he said, "we can find things where our souls live, we can find what we need in moments, right now we are a second, we are ticking, we are walking, and you should arm up."
and he extends his arm and i take it and off we run! i am vaguely aware that there were two cop cars at the other end of the alley and as we reach our end and the street i hear their engines start and i stumble and fall. jaymes drags me and i find my feet, we are running towards a huge church, i fall two more times before we are ushered into the church by a cute girl with glasses. she walks us through the halls of it and we find a dimly lit living room, i hear whispers and turn to look down the hallways where i see small old women huddled around corners. creepy. the girl in the glasses sits me and jyames down and offers us cigarettes. her and jaymes drink deeply from the bottle he has and i feel faint. i look at the walls, they are covered in painting, strange beautiful works, with vibrant colors and crazy themes. im not doing too well and i fall out of my chair.

and wake up on my floor at home. shaking and kicking and out of breath.

yep.



i need some fucking coffee.

headsore

sometimes

-i just really want some fucking candy.
-i think i should go vegetarian.
-i wonder why i hurt everywhere.
-i smile at strangers on the street, kinda.
-i just need the good, strong, slightly acidic kind of coffee.
-things work out.
-the bed feels like its full of needles. why can't i just sleep?
-my dreams aren't for me, the messages i mean.
-i wonder what it would be like right now if i had just skipped 2006. [travesty]
-my head head feels like its going to break open in an unexpected place.
-i cut off all my hair.
-i trust.


im in a weird way. its been a long time since, well, since there have been marks to explain. its been hard, i think about it everyday. he tells me its not worth it. i tell him he doesnt understand. he just smiles and say im too beautiful to be doing that shit. he gives me butterflies and i focus on the fluttery feeling rather than the itchy finger one. im lucky. but im also weak. i dont want to think about relapse i dont want to relive or even remember the alcohol burn of a white hospital. cream colored dapakote, tiny pink seroquel. twitch. but its ok. im sure im stronger than i give myself credit for. but nights when im all alone wide awake and thinking too much all too fast well those are the perfect nights for bad decisions.

its ok.

the down always leads back to ups.


hang on. hang on. hang on.

being in a coma - easier than you think kids

i sleep like the dead. waking up in the morning is like dragging myself out wet cement. my head is a thousand pounds, my brain is screaming at my limbs to keep me still, [she prefers dreaming to reality], and i have to think really hard to figure out where i am exactly and why is it so dark if its daytime?

anyway. i dream.
and i am frustrated because the one last night is getting away from me. with the dog needing to go out, and me being distracted by the weather, then jose comes home for lunch and all the damn little tidbits are slipping. i remember:

-the ocean with all the people floating in it. some were dead and some weren't. apparently thats how people would travel. they would lay in the water and float to another place. anchored to their legs were cabinets and suitcases. i remember floating around and hearing a family cry because their father was dead and they were clinging to his bobbing body for dear life.
-back on land trying to get my family to pack so they could leave the island they were on. there was a huge cabinet and i watched my mom and dad crawl into the impossibly small drawers and settle in for the journey. i was shoveling in jewelry telling the person helping me dont steal any of this, she has it all weighed she will know and the wedding ring is the most important. i look at all the jewelry and keep pushing into the drawers.
-the diner. there was a diner that was more like a jail? you would go into the first part of it, like a capsule, and feel air whooshing around you. then you went into the main part where you sat at a table with another person. the tables would decide who to keep. both time i was in the diner the chains wrapped around the other person and i walked out. it was terrifying.


shit. i cant remember much else of it. it was another dream i had the homesickness for. i swear it hurts like real life. i wake up and throughout the day ill get these pangs of sadness, like ive lost a good friend, or ive moved a million miles away from a warm comforting place. its the damndest thing.

its been a real financial struggle lately. money has a way of aging you slash killing you a little inside. sigh.

i started painting the big giant piece yesterday. its coming along.






its a rough draft as of now. the rabbit will be filled and detailed. the clouds will be thicker and more colors will be used at the bottom. from where the pink clouds top is and up i will be spray painting the entire upper part a patent leather black frame and all. then using butcher paper ill create stars by punching holes and using a stark white. on top of THAT ill be painting out solar system planets. the planets themselves wont go onto the frame theyll be contained. i think ill love that contrast and the whole fucking with perspective. i gotta tell you. im really loving this one.

work has been mind numbing. if it wasnt for the weirdos i know and love there i would paint the walls with my brains. leash yells at callers, navi makes crack coffee and jaymes makes me want to punch him in the face. saviors.

mostly its this




the dog is staring at me. fine we'll go walk in this pea soup travesty of bipolar weather that is san antonio tonight.


[grump]

was i sleeping

have i slept

dream 867295756.9678472

last nights dream was short and packed in with very confusing shit, let me tell you, dont know what was wrong with the brain but she was moving.
i cant even grab all of it.
i swear i was only asleep for an hour...

and here:

the part i can remember is the last part. but in the beginning im sure i faintly remember
-the ocean
-boats, HUGE boats, and a town floating out in the middle of nowhere
-a child bartender
-fish tanks full of goldfish
-jellyfish bites

the ending was a little more grounded, hah, i guess. i was in my first house here in san antonio, the house we moved in when we first got here when i was young. but now im a grown woman, much older than i am now i think. and i have children. (shudder) so i know ive been walking for the last few hours i feel memories, dream memories, of a campus of some kind, with alot of ivy. i also see a mans face, hes angry. im in the house now and i hear a banging on the front door its the man i know it i start to shake and try to find places to hide while grabbing up my children, who i really cant see clearly. hmp. now the banging is getting louder and im building a wall down the middle of the house cutting off the back from the front, working mind blowingly fast. i think i have a husband he must be near me somewhere holding the kids. just as im getting to the the last upper left corner i hear the man get through the door just as my youngest child throws herself into my arms. the mans upper body thrusts through the unfinished part of the wall and hes screaming. i start to tell him please i tried, i did what you asked please dont i have a family. he is still screaming when he shoots me in the head twice and then unloads into the room wildy. i dont lose consciousness, im on the floor, i dont feel my child moving. i look over and see a man in the floor near me. i blink and now we are all laying in the porch of this house. still bleeding, waiting to die. but now there is movement, everywhere. in the street facing the house cars are piling in parking. people are getting out, its almost like a party. directly across the street is my grandmothers house (in real life too) and i look for her. i feel dull pain all over and still, the tiny thing in my arm doesnt move. i see people coming out of my grandmas house, women who look mannish. short hair, cutoff sleeves, etc. i call to her, where is she i need help. please. im sleepy. finally i see an ambulance. a large man steps up to us. he says let me have her, i need to help her. and now im saying ive been stabbed. im so confused none of this makes sense. as im saying ive been stabbed i see the baby he pulls away from me, i thought she was older, shes tiny, with a hole dripping blood and gaping on her side. i start to scream. now my grandma walks up, dressed in a beautiful lace dress, stark white. shes laughing and she touches my hand and tells me to stand up. i say im hurt. shes says its not so bad. so i get up and walk to the ambulance. inside i see a small plastic tub full of blankets and what i think is my baby. the man says how old is she i say 1 to 2 years i dont know shes small. i look in the tub and start to reach for her but now shes not a baby shes a puppy. (??!!HUH??!!) i pet the puppy and see there is tape wrapped around parts of it body. i look down and see holes in mine. i start to pass out and wake up.
jose is telling me goodbye i love you text me.

and im left in bed wide eyed and breathing hard and reaching for where i think my spleen is.

woof.

THAT was fucking weird.

i honestly dont know.


gonna think it over today.

and marty just stares at me

finally. day off.
psssh. like i don't have months off every year or anything. i am greedy when it comes to time.

i've been in a very good mood lately. think its because of the boy. i don't know what is different this time or why it's working all of a sudden but damn it i'm very much in love. hm. i'm thankful to have someone who takes care of me and loves me like him. it hasn't been easy by any means, i mean try having an angry bipolar artist/lazy bum for a girlfriend. i'm very complicated. and so is he. the beginning was crazy rocky. i left him for a while. but i couldn't not see him, i was connected already by then he was all i saw when i thought of love, holding hands, sex, and friendship. and now we have our little home, our dog, our life. and he brings balance. he brings happiness. he kisses me and tells me that im beautiful when im caught in manic anxiety or crying and useless in bed. he drags me outside, to parks, on walks with the dog, to his moms house, to dinner. he knows just how to make me feel whole, and productive. he encourages my art, says he is inspired by it. and i love watching him on his bike. he has a warm soul. and i love him. last night he said his love for me is like the universe - expanding endlessly. i was 14 again except this time i found the prince charming i never found then.
its all so nice.

strange.

now if only i could address my fear of other people. haha. he still gets confused when i kick and scream at the mention of shopping malls.

my new dog is amazing. marty. he is the coolest little dropped dog ever. i swear he has a voice like morgan freeman. and he is staring at me right now. we have been spoiling the living shit out of this creature, he eats like every hour. and he always tries to sneak into bed. sweetheart. he hates cats but i can get past that.

heh.

[i keep messing with the gaping hole in my mouth. gross]


it's been whirl windy. i swear i don't recognize me. i'm sure i'll be someone else tomorrow. but today is my day off so i'm easy.

time to watch nat geo with the dog.

goodbye tooth, hello hole in head

last night i had an emergency extraction for a wicked tooth with a helluva cavity. i was in so much pain i was sure my head was gonna give birth to an elephant. instead this little guy came out with a nice young dentist grunting over pliers and his assistant holding my jaw while i tried not to laugh. after swallowing blood all night im feeling much better. the tooth misses me though. heh.

something something something and then i smacked it as hard as i could....

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

i just dont know

about all of this sometimes. today im all tears and frantic motions. hold it together. cant you breathe. huff huff huff huff. gasp.

im no good at talking to you face to face. im all quivers when i have to take a stand its too hard to deal with these adult situations its too much to tell you what youre doing wrong im too scared of all the repercussions im a coward ok? happy now?

and i ran away from there so fast i swear my shadow stayed behind.

its no one specific, its EVERYONE. every other breathing soft thing. ugh i kick myself when im safe at home, practicing what i should have said in the bathroom, saying you are 24 what the hell is this shit. youre so strong here what happens outside? and i stop and look at my own face in the mirror and the bewildered dog at my feet and sigh.

i need bed. and national geographic. and tea. and him.

goodnight internet.

why yes

i did notice its friday.

tales of destruction will be here soon.

do you have a guest bedroom?

fuck it, he'll sleep under my feet.

dream, sleep erratic, cup a soup, and dogcouch

last night was pretty smooth going. fight club, actually getting picked up, advice on the highway, getting in late. the damn dog was on the couch again, i make a mental note to wash the covers, hes still up, he seems distant, i try not to think about it.

sleep came pretty easy.

dream:

its halloween. and im in a wheel chair. am i paralyzed? i can hardly tell im not moving much and if i am i cant feel it. we're by a huge indoor swimming pool with slides all around it. there are people everywhere, some are like me, in chairs, some stand. its a camp of some kind, for people with fear. i think. i wheel to the edge of the pool and look up. the slides around the edges are massive, so tall. and multi layered. people are sliding off of them at alarming speeds nearly meeting in air before crashing into the water. its almost beautiful. i hear crying to my right and see a man in a chair holding his face. i go to him and tell him its ok, ill go with you, well go to the top, well fly. so he follows me to the ladder and we have to pull ourselves up with only our arms. we finally get to the top and clamber onto the slide, i tell him im right here. were so high up, im a little dizzy. i see him go he tries to stop at the end he must be terrified but he falls over the edge less than gracefully and hes gone. i know i cant go back on a promise so i push off. towards the end i get scared and try to stop myself too. i lean over and look down, sweet jesus its far, no no no, but now i feel the whole slide tipping with me on it, and we fall. i get the flutter in the stomach and the water is coming and then black.
[i dont quite wake up]
now im in a school. again, full of people. in costume, they mill everywhere. i walk around looking at everyone. the costumes are great, the eggs from yoshis island, crazy monsters, ninjas, darwin. im getting a little panicked so i duck through a door to my left to get some peace and find myself tumbling off a 2 story ledge into a soft mound of cut grass outside. i shake myself off and stand up to look around. im at the side of the school, its massive [why is everything so BIG in this dream], at least 5 stories. im in a little side field that is full of bones. yep. bones. skeletons whole and in pieces lay all around me. crap i gotta get back inside so i start to make my way over the soft ground. i hear shifting behind me and look back. a skeleton is trying to stand. shit! im done. i start to run. i finally find a door back into the building and i run head first into dawnelle. shes trailing a group of boys behind her. shes says we have to get to the top. the library. well be safe there. animals and children live there. im confused. she drags me into a stairwell and we try to make our way up through the flow of people trying to get down. i tell everyone i can that the skeletons are coming to life. they laugh and say its halloween of course they are. finally we get to the top floor and manage to get through the door. the whole floor is open. no walls only bookshelves that only come up about 3 feet. there is a soft orange glow in the room, like sunset. animals of all kinds run through the aisles, and i see children playing games and reading in their costumes all about. dawnelle says look what i brought and i look at her in time to see her disappear through the door, grabbed and dragged out by hands grasping every part of her. i turn back to the room and now theres nothing. books lay open, fur clings to walls. and im alone.

i wake up.

and its fucking 3 o'clock in the afternoon.

fantastic.

i start work again tomorrow. gotta get out of this sleeping death state.

time to wash the dog. he smells terrible. maybe i can also hunt down a cigarette.

strays, paintings (finally), and a dream

firstly ill get this to you. ive been meaning to share as it is. these are my most recent along with one of toms. (very talented) on the black one, jupiter complex, there have been additions and revisions but that will be posted later. so yea. go on.

PAINTINGS


last night was monday. right? think so. we went to the boys brothers house and had a pretty interesting conversation on the porch, all the while being accosted by neighborhood cats and small children. eventually it was getting down to pretty rough deep talk and me well i wasnt up for it. these people were strangers! i was curling up. we left. i felt like i had failed. all the gusto i had earlier in the day i was so ready to get out and talk to people and be just there. ehhh. bed and the late night tv curse were a little more appealing. i had the longest deepest dream ever.

so.

im definitely a boy. in the dream. ahem. im younger like 15. something is wrong, i think ive lost someone close to me. i have a little group of friends with me. were in this huge house massive mansion something. i hear voices in the other room so i follow them and my friends follow me. as i walk into this massive ballroom i see that the room is actually split down the middle by this shimmering wall almost like water. i walk up to it. people are standing in front of the wall and talking in hushed tones, hurried and a little upset. i see movement behind the moving surface and a girl appears. shes beautiful, blond tiny waist completely stylized but so very appealing. i reach through the surface and dont even think i just grab her and pull her through shes falling into my arms crying a little shes says im so happy to see you, i hate being stuck there and its all coming back to me. shes mine we are in love and totally and utterly cursed. shes banished from my world or some shit and im trying to get her back. but i think shes here now, ive got her and we kiss. shes so small and she smells amazing. but then she starts to scream my fingers! i look and her nails are falling off turning into dust. the tips of her hair blow away, shes buckling. i push her back through the surface and im flung into it too. she falls to the ground, back to normal, and i dont feel good. she pushes a flower into my hand then me back through the wall. we look at each other and she cries. she has bright purple eye makeup. it strikes me that theres no time to waste. a woman behind me tells me that im changing the future and she hands me a pile of books and sketch pads. me and my friends leave. were on a grassy hill. i get the feeling that everyone is leaving in my family, on a trip. i tell my friends we have the house to ourselves. we should go there, have a party.
[something fuzzy happens here..]
instead we end up on a roller coaster, trying to read the journals and pretending like detective work is this. when the coaster stops we hold open the book and i see names and lines and lines of writing, done neatly and in female hand. the lines all say the same thing - my name is ______. i cant quite read the name, its written a thousand times. the roller coaster starts up and i let go of the journal. in my head im thinking whats love anyway. ill find another. this is too hard.
[something else happens]

and i wake up to the boy kissing me goodbye.

confused and shaken, i demand to know what the hell my brain is thinking.

i always fall in love in my dream. and i cant ever stand straight after the ones that break my heart. this one was too real. ive never felt the want so deep. but at the end the seperation was too easy. and thats what scared me the most.


gotta try to salvage today. ill walk the dog for now.

strangers, grasping, cigarettes, and a need to make changes

sometimes i disappear.

usually its due to indifference, resignation, i dont see a need to participate when the crap of the world is in the air, thick and choking. its better to stay in, stay away from outlets, computers, radio, voices. i dive into books, i touch and i write on paper, real paper. i become obsessed with pens, i throw energy into physical altercations like fighting or sex. everything needs to be proven suddenly. the internet and television is too easy, it gives you the feeling the story the colors. real life is harder you have to go out and get it. so i venture out. finally after weeks of being locked in, and once im out im out. the car gets filled up i get in it and i call every number in my contacts trying to find an accomplice. someone please come with me. its lonely now, after all that pushing i need you finally, are you there. im on my way. its so strange some of my friends have the weirdest looks on their faces, like who are you? this smiling warm stranger, she swears she knows me but i dont remember the color of her hair or the ways her eyes dont hold mine. but her voice is clear now and she wants to pay for everything. i come in small bursts, flaming, burning. i feel the mood swings coming and try to ignore them. sometimes it works. after a time i wear out. i stop calling. stop moving. now your pulling me and im pushing back, its all so familiar. a strange cycle like seasons eating my brain. i swear its like sedation. i want to do things. i want to get on and talk to you but i cant find it in me. i think im coming out right now. the winter weather and the ice and the dog and all the sketches filling up and overflowing in my head its time to actually get things started again. and all the things i want to do cant wait. i dont have alot of time remember eventually the proverbial leaves will turn and the locks will click black and ill be in full fetal mode. but for right now im shaking off the sheets and getting a little excited. ive been away.

i need a cigarette and some paint and i need to get going already.

hm.

back.

im here again.

and this time im in a writing way.

ive had my nyquil and a beer and im ready for later to be here already so i can post those damn paintings and write your hearts out.

still be there.




are you?